Dec 31, 2008

Yeah, I know, I haven't been around much lately. No reason. Perhaps I am just perpetually lazy. I took my tree down already, and put all of the Christmas decorations back in the shed. I got to thinking, which is always a bad idea, and decided I wanted to ring in the New Year with nothing left, decoration wise, of the old year. Just another weird superstition, I suppose. What can I say? I'm a superstitious gal...

So, hopefully I will be around more in the New Year. Wishing you all the very best in the coming new year.

Dec 21, 2008

Ghost of Christmas Past

This year, more than any other, I am haunted by the memories of Christmas past. I don't know what it is about this year. We have not done any Christmas shopping, and like the Cratchets, are content to settle for a nice Christmas dinner. So many people I know this year are feeling the same it seems. They come to my house and see my few decorations, and complain about how they want to forget it is Christmas.

I can't forget. For me, growing up in rural West Virginia, Christmas was the time of magic. Just seeing the tree alive with lights, and singing carols to myself at night, laying in bed, filled me with promise and great, great anticipation. Not so much for gifts, though of course I did want them, but just a feeling that something wonderful would happen.

One year it began snowing on Christmas Eve, and the beauty of that snowfall was like a gift. Everything in my world was transformed into a fairyland, it seemed. Though I had no socks for my shoes, I stayed outside as long as I could to be in the snow and relish the peace and silence. All things seemed possible. Of course my feet burned like hell when I came inside, but it was the price I paid. I will always treasure that perfect stillness of a snowfall on Christmas Eve in the hills where I grew up.

My sister was a big part of my childhood Christmas memories. We always managed to put on our own version of the Christmas story, even if our only audience was my mother, and it was glorious. One year our ancient Christmas angel that adorned the top of our tree lost all of her "angel hair", so we glued yarn to the top of her head, and there she reigned, on the top of our tree, with her Christmas "dreadlocks!" But it was good.

This Christmas we are haunted by so many who have gone on before us. There are still little electrical glitches going on in our house-hold, little things, and my dreams are full of those I have loved and lost. But they are good dreams, happy dreams, so I am comforted. And somehow, we will make it through this Christmas, and it will be good, we will enjoy ourselves.

May you all have a joyous and blessed Christmas. They are with you, those you have lost. In spirit and love, I believe they will be with us all.

Dec 9, 2008

The tree is up!

Yes, the old tree is finally up. We haven't put our outside lights up yet. The man across the street decorated his lawn chairs with lights...oh, life in a trailer park...tis grand! Actually, the lights on the chairs look ok. I mean, whatever makes your Christmas brighter! Nobody I know has much money for Christmas this year. And a lot of people I don't know are in the same boat. At least we can celebrate the season. (I'm really, really trying hard here to get in the spirit!)

The other day, I left the house after putting up the tree, and distinctly remember turning off the tree lights before I left. This harks back to the days when I was but a wee thing, and the bulbs on our tree got hot as a fire poker after being on for a while. "Don't forget to turn off the damn lights on the tree, damn it!" was my mother's mantra at this time of year. She was afraid the tree, then the house would burst into flames. We always had a live tree, well, it was live when we chopped it down.

Anyway, I digress. I turned off the lights, and when I came home, alone, I was rummaging around in the kitchen when I noticed that the tree lights were on. I stood there a minute, knowing full well that I had turned them off. I even entertained the idea that perhaps the cats, who are fascinated by the tree, by the way, may have turned them back on. They never cease to surprise me.

But, I really thought of Travis. Weird, huh? This being the same son who once poured ketchup all over his hand and came running to me that he had cut himself. After I recovered from my mild heart attack, he laughed like a banshee. He loved his pranks. And this would have been right up his alley....freak Mama out with the tree lights.

Ah, what fancies we have this time of year.

Dec 4, 2008

I went to the doctor today.  First I ran down to check on a neighbor to make sure she was all right, then stopped to feed the Catlady's cats, as she is in a nursing home right now.  (More about the Catlady in another post.)  I waited for my ride to come and pick me up, and was lucky this time, as the driver was a really nice guy.  As I have no car now, I can get transportation through Medicaid.  This helps me enormously.  I really miss my car.  The next time I get a car I will treasure it immensely.

Things were good with the doctor, but coming home, I shared my cab ride with a lady who seemed to have a great many problems.  As it turns out, her daughter was taken from her when she was 15 and put up for adoption.  She asked about my children, and I told them about EJ and Travis.  The driver, an older man, told how he  had lost two sons, so he really understood so much about how I feel.

This evening we watched Stepbrothers with Will Ferrell.  It was hilarious, and quite touching at times.  I enjoyed it. I kept thinking Travis would have liked it.  

I have been looking for all my Christmas movies to get me in the mood for the holidays.  This weekend we will probably decorate the house and put up our tree.  I remember my father's last Christmas.  I believe he knew it was going to be his last, as we kept the tree up for two or three weeks after Christmas.  It was very sad, yet somehow beautiful.

So many to miss this holiday season.  Perhaps its best to celebrate the time we have with each other while we still can.  This I will try to do. 

Nov 28, 2008

Post Thanksgiving post

Well, another Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I believe we all enjoyed ourselves. Though it seems that when you spend 12 hours or so preparing a meal, it should take at least as long to consume it. Bit much to ask, I suppose. Hope everyone else's Thanksgiving was equally blessed.

It was hilarious when just after eating, all the males in our small company fell instantly into a doze, sitting upright, snoring their asses off. This is when I lament the loss of my digital camera the most. And, not having a non-permanent marker!

Now we head into the most fearsome time of year, the Christmas season. Somebody tell me when its all over!

Nov 23, 2008

One of my favorite poems of all time:

Psyche with the candle

Archibald MacLeish (1892-1982)

Love which is the most difficult mystery
Asking from every young one answers
And most from those most eager and most beautiful--

Love is a bird in a fist:
To hold it hides it, to look at it lets it go.
It will twist loose if you lift so much as a finger.
It will stay if you cover it-- stay but unknown and
Either you keep it forever with fist closed
Or let it fling
Singing in fervor of sun and in song vanish.
There is no answer other to this mystery.

Nov 22, 2008

I'm still here

I'm trying to think of some good Thanksgiving topics to write about. I haven't dropped off the earth, just having problems thinking of good interesting topics. Anyway, hope I'll be back soon. Till I return:

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

Nov 17, 2008


I don't know what is going on with me these days. Every minute of every day I think of Travis. Is it a delayed reaction or the proximity of the holiday season? I don't know. I dream about him now most nights, and it is usually about when he was a child. Perhaps I long for that lost time, when things were as they should be.

Travis loved the holidays. All holidays. He had planned to be Batman to his son's Robin on the Halloween following his death. He loved Thanksgiving, and usually would sit in the kitchen with me, watching and talking, making me laugh. I remember him calling me from Hawaii, where he was stationed, asking me how to cook a turkey.

For Christmas, Travis had his own miniature tree in his bedroom. I remember when he was five, he punched little holes in all the gifts to see what everyone had gotten. His excitement and anticipation was so great, he couldn't wait.

Oh, I miss him so much. So many people tell me to not think about it, to let it go, to go on with my life, but right now, I don't know how. I am consumed with guilt, with anger, too. I remember once he told me, before he joined the military, that he would like to go to New York and become a comedian. All I could think of was his 19 year old self, alone in New York, and I did not support the idea. What if I had? What if I had encouraged him to follow that dream?

The worst part of all of this is not being able to go back and do things differently. To spend as much time with him as I could. But we don't know. We just never know what tomorrow brings. His son's birthday is coming up, and I cannot be a part of his celebration, his life. That has been denied me, and it hurts. His daughter turned 3 in September, and I have never seen her, except pictures I have gathered from the internet. His widow works hard to keep his memory alive and I wish I could be a part of her life, but she does not want that. And I don't know how to fix it. She has her reasons, and, to her they are valid. To me, it is devastating.

I am not the only one feeling this kind of agony. Anyone who has ever lost a child knows exactly what I mean. And, I think sometimes, we are avoided. As if being close to someone who has suffered such a tragedy might bring tragedy with them. I had a therapist tell me that grieving people are not that much fun to be around. I had another therapist tell me that talking about Travis too much was probably not a good thing. I had a neighbor tell me that I just grieved for my son, and not the others who had fallen with him. What do you say to these people?

I just don't know. But I still get up everyday. I still try to smile and enjoy what life I have carved out, which isn't that much right now. I depend too much on my oldest son, and know it would be healthier for him to live away from me. I think he feels he must be there for me. And he has his own grief to deal with. His own regrets.

I will try to celebrate these holidays, for Travis, if nothing else. I will try to embrace that same joy he always had, the same sense of quiet wonder at the simple beauty of family being together. But I miss him so much. So very, very much.

Nov 16, 2008

Race Crimes

When I read this article, (click on the title) I cried. It hurt me so much inside to think that we as a nation cannot overcome the prejudice that lurks just below the surface. Will we ever grow up??

In the state of Virginia there are signs that say we are a zero tolerance state, zero tolerance to drugs. I think we should become a zero tolerance nation, zero tolerance to racism. This article fills me with dread and unease. What lengths will people go to in this country to preserve their own narrow-minded view of the world? School children talking about wanting Obama to be assassinated. Grade school kids!! I think someone should sit down and have a long, serious discussion with these children's parents and hold them accountable for the hate and mistrust they are breeding.

I am so afraid for our President-elect. May God preserve and protect him.

And I am so sick of the hate and ignorance in this country.

Nov 14, 2008


So, I went to court today. Oh, what fun, what excitement, what an incredible waste of tax payer money here in the great state of Virginia. My case was dismissed, ahem, but it took forever for me to be called. For reasons I would rather not divulge at this time, I have gotten to know the court system here where I live, and it basically sucks.

My neighbor, one of the sweetest people I have ever met, was kind enough to take me to court and wait with me. (I lost my car.) So, I guess that means my carbon foot print is lower now? It was repossessed. I knew it was possessed the moment I got it, but I had hoped to hang on to it for a while. The repo man is making some big bucks round here!! But, these things happen, n'est pas?

The most interesting case I watched while waiting involved a black man who was spotted speeding by a state trooper on Hwy 460, near a small town called Zuni. The speeder entered the small, tiny town and tried to lose the cop who was fast on his tail. And, he did manage to evade the trooper until, for whatever reason, he managed to overturn his vehicle. The dogged policeman pulled up behind the wreck just as the driver was crawling out the driver's side window, and then promptly ran into the woods. (The driver, not the cop!)

Now, after running through the woods for a short distance he came upon a trailer park, and ran up to a trailer where a woman was looking out of her back door. He yelled, "Help me, help me!" through the sliding glass door. The woman asked if he was hurt, and he said yes, and she said I'll call 911, at which he said "No!!" Evidently the woman then tried to lock her door, while the man tried to open it. The woman managed to lock her door, and call 911, where she reported a man trying to break into her house. However, the man had disappeared.

He approached another trailer, banged on the front door, and went through pretty much the same thing with another woman. The man asked this woman to call his grandmother instead of 911. This woman, after calling 911, called her brother-in-law, who arrived on the scene with a snow shovel, ready to throttle the fugitive soundly. The state trooper finally arrived on the scene as well, and watched while the emergency medical personnel were pulling the man out from underneath the trailer. He was examined and air-lifted to Norfolk General Hospital.

I found it somewhat telling that the witnesses for the defense were all white. The big scary black man had knocked on their door and damned if they didn't call 911. Everyone knows that when someone has been in an accident and doesn't want you to call 911, they probably have a damned good reason, like no insurance, or something! I still can't understand what the grandmother was supposed to do, other than maybe give the man a ride home.

His court-appointed attorney actually cross-examined the witnesses! I was stunned! It was just such a rare event! The defendant was eventually convicted of eluding the police, failure to maintain his vehicle, and driving on a suspended license. The suspended license was why he ran in the first place!! But, sitting there, watching this story unfold, was actually pretty entertaining.

Nov 12, 2008

My Veteran's Day Post

I had a post prepared for Veterans Day, but lost it somewhere in a little application that comes with Firefox called ScribeFire. I saved it as a note, but don't know how to retrieve the note. But it went something like this.

God bless all those who have served and are serving our country. I remember my family members who have served, through World War II, the Viet Nam War, and Operation Iraqi Freedom. I miss my son everyday. Every moment of everyday. And that will never change. But God bless those he served with and all those who have served before him. He keeps good company in Arlington.

Those who choose to serve in our military do what the rest of us cannot. Let us never forget the sweat, the tears, and the blood they have shed in defense of our great country. They deserve our respect, our support, and our humility. I thank them, all who serve. May we as a nation always remember and venerate their sacrifice.

Nov 7, 2008

The Difference between a Hummer and a Mini Cooper

I have been puzzling over a situation that happened to a very good friend of mine. It is of a personal nature, but we are such good friends, sometimes people can't tell us apart. So, I know she will not mind if I share this dilemma with all of you.

My good friend met a man, a tall robust man, who she began dating. He was funny, masculine, pleasant to be around, and they really seemed to hit it off. He was like, well, let's just say the "Hummer"of a man she had been looking for. Their relationship progressed to the point where they knew it would become physical. So, my friend, being adventurous, and in need of male companionship, prepared to seduce her "Hummer".

Candlelight, music, a few spirits to ease the mind, and low and behold they found themselves together as God made them. (naked!!) My friend's situation began when she found that despite the large feet, broad shoulders, and impressive hands of her "Hummer", he, in fact, proved to be a "Mini-Cooper". She found herself wondering, "What the ....? Oh, my God!! What am I going to do?"

And, indeed, what could she do? To make it worse, her would-be lover was well aware, and quite outspoken, about his, er, shortcoming, Now she felt herself in the position of a would-be cheerleader! "No, no, it's fine, why its remarkable... I can't wait!! I just can't wait!!"

She believes that their relationship was consummated on that night, but she's not quite seems that not only was his engine compact, but it had some minor malfunctions. After tinkering with it for some time, she believes that it revved up and performed to some satisfaction. As she says, "I believe I was just along for the ride."

Now, she tells me she is unsure how to extracate herself from this relationship. She tried the "let's be friends" angle, but it didn't seem to satisfy her "Hummer", er, "Mini Cooper". She asked me, "What would you do?" I could not come up with a satifactory solution, other than run for dear life!! She felt that would be cruel.

So, I ask you, dear reader, what would you do?

Nov 5, 2008

Congratulations to President-Elect Barack Obama

I voted yesterday. And as I was going into to the voting area I passed many people offering me pamphlets and sample ballots, Republican and Democrat, and was amazed at the turn-out. When I got to the door to go in and vote, a gentleman came up to me, a voting official, and asked if I had a cell phone, which I didn't, and then looked at the papers I had been given. He said I could take the Republican propaganda into the voting area, but not the material given me by the Obama supporters. Not wanting to cause a scene, I kept my questions to myself, (why the hell not??), threw all the papers in the trash can, and voted. There were as many cops there as voters, it seemed. What they were expecting to happen, I don't know. But I have never seen anything like it. But it's all history now, and what history it is!

WE WON!!! We did it! Congratulations to Barack Obama! I watched CNN (and the Daily Show Special) up until he made his acceptance speech, and then I finally relaxed. It was a wonderful speech, and no matter what anyone says, I am in love with this guy! Finally, finally we have a president who is eloquent, compassionate, knowledgeable, and presidential. I still feel excited, and hopeful. I would have loved to have been in Chicago last night. What a magnificent outpouring of love and victory!

I couldn't help thinking that if John McCain had spoken to the people throughout this campaign in the same manner in which he made his concession speech last night, from the heart, with such dignity, he might have made a much better impression and improved his chances in this election.

A new day is dawning, and it is only the beginning.

Nov 2, 2008

Such and such

I finally upgraded my FireFox this morning. I know that's a big relief for you guys. Its a pretty good browser to me.

Halloween has come and gone, and Daylight Savings has ended, so I have to reset all my stupid clocks. We had one trick-or-treater. Probably a good thing, too, as we didn't have any candy. (I don't see anything wrong with pennies.) They all go to the pricier neighborhoods anyway. So, I'm poor. And who cares?

The little 'bambino' is growing and having problems with colic, I think. Anyway, he cries a great deal. Now we are starting the big debate about when to introduce cereal, (or gruel, because that's what it looks like), to his diet. The doctors say nothing but formula for 10 years....nope, excuse me, that was 1 year. But when have we ever listened to doctors?

I saw a new doctor the other day. He gave me something called seroquel, said it would make me sleep better...guess what? It did. I do not like it, though, as it also made me eat everything I could put my hands on. Guess I'll just make do with, oh, dare I say it?, exercising everyday. I used to love to exercise. This was before I developed bone spurs on my spine, and tore up my rotator cuffs. No, its not something on the car, they are on my shoulders. Anyway, now when I try to turn this way, my back says, "Fuck that!" My shoulders? I hear them swear as well, and they wonder if I've lost my mind! (You want us to do what!!?") I guess I will have to start walking. This is an activity I have heard about that requires one to put on shoes, leave the house, and ramble around for a period of time until they can come back home. Its supposed to be good for you. Doctor's just about shit their pants, they get so damned happy, when you tell them you have started walking! Which is a good thing, but when have we ever wanted to make our doctors happy?

I visited an online political forum, and was called Comrade by some bozo who is voting the McCain-Palin ticket because he is a crazy person. I try to stay away from message boards and forums as they tend to aggravate the hell out of me. Anyway, the election is almost over, and they are predicting record voter turn-outs all over the place. I can't wait to meet Mickey Mouse in person! It will almost be like waiting in line to get concert tickets or some such shit. And, that's pretty apt, because everyone knows that OBAMA ROCKS!!!


Oct 22, 2008

News on the Homefront

James Clifton was born on September 28, and is the newest member of our household. It has been many, many moons since I have been around a new born, but some things you don't forget. He is the cutest little thing I have seen for a long time.

I watched him for about an hour yesterday afternoon while his mom and dad went shopping (read: escaped!). He cried for perhaps 45 minutes, and my cat Roscoe kept meowing at me, as if to say "Do something, knot-head! Somethings not right!" He finally gave up and hid somewhere. I did all the normal things, burping, checking for doo-doo, making goofy faces, rocking him, walking around with him, offering a bottle, but he wasn't having any of it. I decided he must have had colic, I guess. Hell, I didn't know, but he was sure trying to tell me something. As soon as his Dad came in and spoke to him, he magically stopped crying. "Keep talking!" I told him.

I know my own boys must have went through similar things, but I guess it felt different then. But there is something about a baby crying that really gets you hopping. Its a visceral thing, in that you must take action. You feel that something is wrong and you have to fix it. What was nice this time, is that I could hand him back to Mom and Dad when my efforts to fix the problem didn't work. That was a pleasant change.

And all of the stuff they have for babies now! I am absolutely amazed. Everything either vibrates or makes some sort of music! You don't put the baby on his stomach anymore, as we ignorant Neanderthals place him on his back. This is supposed to help prevent SIDS. No one uses cloth diapers! They still make them, and they are so much more functional, no more folding, but not that many new parents use them. I remember washing two loads of diapers a day, and hanging them in the hot Florida sun to dry. Now the diapers are disposable, and have Velcro more tape! Baby powder has become obsolete, and is no longer approved for infant butts. I think it has something to do with preventing allergies. Even the bottles are better. Of course, breast feeding is still encouraged, but for those who opt not to breast feed, you don't have to boil your bottles or nipples anymore! (I mean the nipples for the bottles. Even I didn't boil my own nipples, though I probably considered it!!)

There are swings, and car seats that convert to carriers, that convert to strollers! Some of them even make nature sounds! There are little hooded blankets, and swaddling has come back into fashion.

I sit and wonder how my two boys made it through infancy to toddlers without all of the new fangled gizmos and such. I remember the special occasions when I could use disposable diapers, (when we went on trips to visit family) and how magical it was. (But God help you if you accidentally pulled off the the tape that secured the diaper---then you used whatever you could find, duck tape, electrical tape, Scotch tape, whatever. You couldn't waste that diaper....those f**kers were expensive! Guess what? They still are...

Things sure have changed! And for the better. However, it is hard for me to put the baby down after feedinghim on his back. What if he spits up? So, I just sit and rock him. Now that is a good feeling.

I just have to get my oldest son married, so he can start producing babies. Some of the young girls he works with have a crush on him, but he says they are too young. I find myself thinking, well, shit, think of all the childbearing years they have ahead of them!...So they don't know jack....just think of all the babies!

Oh, well, I must be patient. I can still enjoy the delightful company of J.C. (James Clifton). And it is so delightful!!

Oct 17, 2008

New Template

Well, I thought it was time for a change, so here it is: a brand new template that also lost all my pictures. It looks like I still might have about 4 or 5 readers, but that's ok. I never was good at popularity contests...

Ok, the last debate, old news now, but I thought it was a good debate. I kept waiting for John McCain to start foaming at the mouth, but he didn't. I was a little disappointed, but then, you can't have everything...It was a pleasant change to see John McCain actually look Obama in the face. He didn't even call him dipshit, junior, him setting yonder, or anything like that.

Somehow, don't ask me why, but Virginia has become a pivotal state, in that a lot of the people here can't make up their minds about who to vote for. Being a republican strong hold for many years, it does offer a glimpse of hope that maybe things are a changing after all. However, I did ask a local businessman what he thought about the debate, and he immediately jumped on the problems with Acorn, and how Mickey Mouse is now a registered voter....most probably an independent!

I am so sick of hearing about Bill Ayers and Acorn, I could scream. Joe the plumber is right up, too. What's bad about good old Joe, who isn't even named Joe!!, is now he has every fact checker and his ugly ass brother digging dirt up about him!! God what a nightmare for him and his family...and remember, it was McCain who seized on the concept of Joe the Plumber to represent the hard working, trying to get ahead, "everyman".

Oh, well, not much more back-stabbing left for the candidates. I know who I'm voting for, do you?

Oct 8, 2008

About last night's Debate....

Personally, I would love to see the two presidential candidates just answer the questions given them directly and in as much detail as possible. We already know they don't want the other guy to win, or as McCain puts it, "that one". And very disrespectful it was. And, I did not find this amusing at all:

["BROKAW: Senator, we have one minute for a discussion here. Obviously the powers of the treasury secretary have been greatly expanded. The most powerful officer in the cabinet now. Hank Paulson says he won't stay on. Who do you have in mind to appoint to that very important post?

Senator McCain?

MCCAIN: Not you, Tom."]

It made absolutely no sense, and was totally uncalled for.

I had so much trouble just following McCain's seemingly constant movement around the stage. You could almost hear his coaches saying, "Get as close to the questioner as you possibly can." I cringed when he just assumed the man who asked the second question probably hadn't heard of Freddie Mac or Fannie Mae before.

Whoever gets in the white house will have a crap-load of problems to sort out, and that's just a fact. McCain's offer to buy up mortgages and refinance homes under current market value has a long way to go before it becomes fact. And just where do you think the money will come from for that? I mean, seriously?

Oct 5, 2008

You Passed High School with an B

You have the brains of a high school graduate... at least!

Could You Pass High School?

This test is harder than it seems! It is, really!

Oct 4, 2008

This and that...

I got this in a forward today, and I found it very intriguing. I could actually read what it says so there must be something to this. Let me know if you can read it too.

great minds can read this

This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


I was not going to write anything about the Vice-presidential debates, but I can't seem to stop myself. I just can't understand how any reasonable, thinking, intelligent person could possibly vote the McCain-Palin ticket!! By golly, I'm not buying that down-home good old girl act for a second, don'tcha know!! And suddenly Main Street has become the hottest topic. Seems Sarah Palin also said something about how people are struggling to live on 42,000 dollars a year....damn, I wish I was one of those struggling middle class main-streeters!! There are actually people in this country struggling and somehow making it on less than 10,000 dollars a year. How they do it, I don't know, but they are.....amazing, huh?

"Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right. Also, for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending soldiers out on a task that is from God. That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for, that there is a plan and that that plan is God's plan." --Sarah Palin, on the Iraq war, speaking to students at the Wasilla Assembly of God, June 2008.

That is some pretty scary stuff to me. Not that she is asking us to pray for our troops, but that she is saying that God is approving and evidently guiding this war. I thought the idea of God starting a war was what got us where we are in the first place!! (9-11, and all that) Men are responsible for wars, and I kind of think God sets back and says, "Oh good grief, there they go again!!" Seems we want to get religion out of the government, like that separation of church and state thing?, because that gives everyone a right to worship how they please. You know, so the government can't make us all fundamentalists or something. Its all written down in some important document or something, oh gosh, what is that thing called? Damn, oh, yeah, its the Constitution, I think we still have one of those. Its hard to tell these days....

The First Amendment to the United States Constitution is part of the United States Bill of Rights that expressly prohibits the United States Congress from making laws "respecting an establishment of religion" or that prohibit the free exercise of religion, laws that infringe the freedom of speech, infringe the freedom of the press, limit the right to peaceably assemble, or limit the right to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

remember reading about this stuff in school, back in the day.....pretty freaky stuff, huh? Of course this does open the door to all sorts of crazy things, like should we have prayer in school, should the words "under God" be in thePledge of Allegiance, things of that nature, but it also opens the door to discussions on these topics, the freedom to disagree. And that is a marvelous thing.

*First Amendment to the United States Constitution - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Sep 28, 2008

The Debates, what else?

Things are slowly improving on the home front, which is a blessing.  Soon there will be a new member to our household.  My roommate is in the hospital giving birth even as I write this.  I was supposed to be there with her, but haven't found a ride yet.


I watched the first presidential debate.  I think a new rule should be instated, a rule giving Barak Obama the option of walking across the stage and beating the crap out of John McCain.  When he brought up his experience of being in Iraq when troops re-inlisted, I wanted to choke him.  He had nothing to do with their choices to re-inlist.  And I wonder how many re-inlistments were a direct result of soldiers not wanting to leave their comrades-in-arms?  One would think that if anyone knew about the power of survivor's guilt, John McCain would!

The only other thing that jumped out at me while watching the debates was Jim Leher's frustration at trying to get the candidates to answer the questions. Maybe Judge Judy should moderate the next debate.."It's a simple yes or no answer..." 

If John McCain had dropped anymore names, I would have puked.  Does he think that trying to associate himself with Ronald Reagan will endear him to the voters he is trying to entice: The younger voters, who, I believe, can smell bullshit a mile away?

Why wouldn't John McCain look directly at Barak Obama?  What's that about?  I thought he must have been too scared...


I watched a wonderful movie this morning, Rebecca.  If you have never watched this movie, I hope you do sometime.  And thank God no one has decided to do a remake.  The movie is absolute perfection. 

Sep 21, 2008


I want to thank everyone for the kind prayers and good thoughts.  Things are slowly improving.  I tell myself to take one day at a time, but it is difficult to do.  It seems we want things so badly, that we try to live in the future by thinking of what we want to happen so much, that it will magically be.  Of course, its impossible to live in the future, and we really don't know what the future will bring.  That leaves us with hope, and doing what we can today to accomplish our goals and dreams.

I feel at times that I am coming out of a fog, or a long illness.  Perhaps this is the normal course of events, a part of the grieving process.  Not that I am done with grieving, just that the intensity and focus of my grief is changing.  I think often of the past, and how precious it actually was.  But, we can not live in the past either.  I think sometimes as I fall asleep that if only I could awaken in an earlier time, when my children were small.  I tell myself I would cherish each and every second, and ignore my wants and needs.  But would that really happen?  I try to find comfort in telling myself I did the best I could do with what I had, yet knowing full well that perhaps that wasn't always the case. 

We live our lives and try to do the best we can.  Recriminations and regrets for past mistakes really don't  change anything, as much as we would like it to.  And, so, what are we left to do?  Try to make amends in some small way?  What if that option is gone as well?  How do we accept that which we cannot change?  I wish I had the answer, but, unfortunately I do not.  How would you "accept that which we cannot change"?

Sep 14, 2008

Prayers needed

I am a spiritual person. I know it may not seem like it with the language I use, but I am. I don't think God is as nit picking as we make him out to be. I think many times we give God human failings, that he probably doesn't possess. I have taken to reading about the Gnostic view of faith and learning, and I like it. Anyway, I am making a request.

My oldest son is going through one of the more difficult times he has faced in his life. If anyone out there prays, please include him in your thoughts. If you don't pray then please send good thoughts his way.

I have been hanging around today, trying to make a prayer circle for him. It doesn't matter to me what name you give your God, its your faith that counts.

I guess we are both going through a rough time, but, hopefully we'll make it. Sometimes I wonder if I am being punished for my past transgressions. Then I think that is probably not the case at all. Life has been very confusing in many ways these past three years. But life finds a way. I pray my son does too.

Aug 29, 2008


Does John McCain think the women of America are lunatics? In what appears to me to be a last ditch effort to save his campaign, good ole John has picked Alaska governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate. He might as well have sent every registered female voter an email stating, "Ok, honey, will you vote for me now??"

It is ridiculous and patronizing to think that the women of America can be persuaded to vote the Republican ticket just because there is a female on the ballot. What do we know about Sarah Palin? (Well, before today, anyway!!) Unless you are from Alaska, probably not much. Other than the fact that she's not quite sure exactly what her duties will be as vice president: “until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day. I’m used to being very productive and working real hard in an administration. We want to make sure that that VP slot would be a fruitful type of position, especially for Alaskans and for the things that we’re trying to accomplish up here.”

Is anybody else out there holding their face in their hands, and saying, "Oh, my God...that sounds like something 'you know who'* would say?" I don't know about you, but I can't take any more of that shit. I just can't.
I imagine somewhere tonight in the McCain camp, a few people are shaking their heads in utter amazement, wondering, what the hell was he thinking?? And of course the people hired to "handle" George Bush are salivating at the hope that they may not lose their jobs after all. "Hey guys, quick packing! I think we got another live one here...!!"

Give me a break.....
* I mean George Bush, smooth talking, language changing, dictionary ripping George Bush!!!

Aug 23, 2008


I must say I was surprised at Obama's choice of VP running mate. But, I think in the end it will help him at the polls. I guess I will be voting the democratic ticket. Obama just seems so presidential to me, and I think he would bring a certain dignity back to the white house, which is sorely needed. Hell, we might even start capitalizing "white house" again!

However, I am tempted to jump on this guy's bandwagon. You know, a write-in ballot sort of thing. At one point he garnered 2.3% of the polls as America's choice for candidate. He also speaks fluent English.

How can one man be so absurdly funny and so amazingly sexy at the same time? Gosh, I don't know, but he really kick starts my heart.

Aug 17, 2008

Greetings fellow bloggers. I am a little reluctant to write about all the things going on in my personal life. Some good, some bad, some just blah... Anyway, I took this little test from blogthings. The questions are provocative, and I thought I would score higher.

Hope all who read this are fat and happy!!

You Are 48% Good

You are a fairly good person. You strive to live a moral life whenever possible.

You are usually kind, generous, and loyal. However, you do have a dark side that even you may not see.

When it comes down to ethical decisions, you tend to take the path of least resistance.

So you may end up lying, cheating, or engaging in other bad behavior... because it's just easier to do so.

You are also probably: Conflicted and confused about the current course of your life

Right now you are on track to being: A slightly crooked politician

To be a better person: Break one bad habit - whether it's telling white lies or spending too much money.

Aug 9, 2008

Back Again

I'm back again. I know that many of you will be able to sleep much more soundly tonight reading those words. :) (-Sarcasm) Life has been unreal the last couple of months. Things are steadily improving though.

Hope everyone is doing well and enjoying life. My mother-in-law always used that as her intro to every letter I ever received from her, so I, being me, appropriated it for my own use. I like it.

I have a young couple staying with me now, and she is due to deliver a baby in about a month. A newborn infant. It's been awhile since I was around a little baby, but I am looking forward to it. I think. Yeah, I am. My oldest son is doing better than he has in years, which is wonderful. (Knock on Wood---[superstition])

I have dropped a few pounds, and the difference has really improved my blood sugar levels. I am totally amazed. Of course I'm also trying to avoid candy, cakes, pies, fats, breads, and sweet cereals. You know, all the good stuff, the comfort foods. I do miss chocolate, a lot!!

I am looking at our candidates for president very closely. I keep asking myself if I should be overly impressed by how they present themselves in the media. Should I concentrate more on what they have accomplished, rather than how good they sound, or how well they come across as intelligent and articulate? I must say it would be a pleasant change to have an articulate president.

So, who do you think is more articulate? Who do you think seems more presidential? I'm talking about media here, not necessarily who you want to vote for.

Jun 2, 2008

A Bit about me

I received this from Mary, and will do my best.

1.) What Was I Doing 10 Years Ago?

Ten years ago I was preparing to move in with my father, to help out, as he was getting along in years. He was 88 at the time, and living alone. I lived with him, and helped out as much as he would let me. It's a tricky thing, walking that fine line between care giving and supporting independence in the elderly. But those were some of my most memorable years. I stayed with him up until his death, and learned many things about my father. I was indeed blessed.

2.) Five Things on Today's To-Do List?

Schedule a transportation appointment, done.

Refill prescriptions, done.

Dust all the furniture in the house, incomplete.

Write this post, ongoing.

Dispose of trash, done.

3.)Things to do If I were a Billionaire.

Wow, what a thought. There are certain charities that I would support. One particularly that I support is called Christian Outreach. They are wonderful about getting food to needy families. It is a marvelous organization and very respectful to those in need.

I would set up a few scholarships, one especially in my late son's name.

I would prepay my own funeral expenses, so when I go, all that would be necessary is to lay me out, and then plant me.

I would buy land, and have a modest house somewhere in the country, with lots of trees and little animals.

I would try to give back what I have been given.

4.) Three Bad Habits?

I smoke, which is probably the worst habit anyone can have, but I have cut down a lot. Today, I will smoke 3 cigarettes. That's still 3 too many, but damn, I love my cigarettes.

I worry too much. I try to anticipate the worst, while hoping for the best, but I'm learning to just accept what is.

Procrastination. I will put off certain things as long as possible, until I can't stand myself for not doing it.

5.)Five Places I have lived.

I have lived in a lot of different places, it seems, but mostly in the south. Seems whenever I have moved, a new chapter in life began. I have lived in:

Pensacola, Florida

Surrency, Georgia

Spring Grove, Virginia

St. Albans, West Virginia

Ivor, Virginia

6.) Five Jobs I have Had

I have worked as a:

Convenience Store Clerk

Hospital CNA

Nursing Home CNA

Retail Sales Clerk

Swine Production Worker

So, there you have it. A little bit more about me. I'm not going to tag anyone, but feel free to use this if you like.


May 25, 2008

Memorial Day

I remember Memorial Day as being a time of shopping, sales, going to the beach, and an extra day to just have fun. I'm not having fun this year. I am remembering. I am remembering you, my son, and how much we miss you. Your laughter, your kindness, your thoughtfulness. I miss you so much it hurts. And here you are, seemingly frozen in time at the age of 26.

I think of the conversations we had, of all the things you did to help me get through rough times in my life. You helped me just by being you. Such a good decent man taken so soon, it doesn't seem fair. I try to remember all the others who have fallen serving our country, but I am selfish in my memories. I can only think of you.

I have a CD that has pictures of you. I can watch it and see you talking and laughing again. I can see you with your young family, with your friends. But it hurts too much to watch it.

I am so very proud of you. For standing up for your beliefs, for your courage and dedication, for serving your country, despite what others may say. I wish we could have had more time, Travis. I wish you would have had more time with your wife and children. God bless and keep you.

My love for you Travis. Always and forever.

May 11, 2008

Happy Mother's Day!!

For the first time since my mother died I did not think of buying her a mother's day card, but my thoughts have been of her. I often wonder how she managed to raise her children in the time and place that she did. I know it took its toll on her.

Living in rural West Virginia, in a five room house, just barely making ends meet, she managed to turn out six children into the world. She also managed to put up vegetables and fruits every summer with an old fashioned canner, sweat streaming from her face. Having no indoor plumbing, she managed somehow to keep us all clean, and our clothes as well. I remember the old wringer washer she used, and how many buckets of water it took to wash clothes all day. No dryer meant hanging clothes on the line that stretched across our yard, supported by wooden poles. If one of the poles slipped and the clothes touched the ground, she washed them over again. Before I came along, she also tended to farm animals, as my father worked away from home.

With me coming along just after her fortieth birthday, and my father's ulcer, the farm animals disappeared. Looking back, I know she suffered from what we would call today anxiety, and it manifested itself in many ways. She refused to see a doctor, and never left the home place during the time I grew up. Eventually, her health would force her out into the world, and, despite her fears, she coped. In her own way she always seemed to cope with life's misfortunes.

I watched her as she paced our small house during the Viet Nam years, wondering if her favorite child was still alive. All of her letters to him were being returned, marked Missing in Action. I remember her radiant relief at the end of the summer of 1966, when she found out he was in a hospital in Hawaii and would be coming home soon.

I remember how she made each Christmas special, even when there were no gifts under the tree. She managed somehow to give us all hope.

She was not the demonstrative kind of mother that hugged you all the time, but when she said you had done well, you felt a sense of pride.

So many times during the past three years I have wanted so dearly to talk to her. And sometimes I do. Does she hear me? I don't know, but this is for you Mother. Thanks for all that you did. I'll never know how hard it was for you, but thanks for being there when you could.

May 10, 2008

I'm back!

At least for awhile. I took some time off because, quite frankly, I couldn't think of anything I wanted to write about. Life has thrown me another curve ball, and this one really caught me off guard. So, I've been occupied with personal problems. But then, who ain't?

I am sorry I haven't visited my favorite blogs for awhile. Life has kept me occupied. And I guess depression has too. Travis's birthday is coming up, and that's always an event that brings so much pain. He would have been 29. My oldest will turn 30 this year. He's freaking out over that. I guess I did too.

I've been spending so much time thinking about the past, and all the things I should have done but didn't. A useless endeavor, I know, but for some reason I can't help it. I find myself watching old re-runs on TV of a time long gone, and wishing it wasn't. I grew up watching I Love Lucy, and thinking that my life would be like a tv sitcom, I think. But it wasn't. Far from it. Life just seems unfair at times. Guess I'm having myself a pity party. I can't wait for it to be over.

But, I will try to find something to write about. And I plan to visit all the blogs I have missed. I haven't forgotten you all. I guess I've just been selfish.

It will pass. Life finds a way. Somehow life finds a way.

Apr 7, 2008


I like to use somewhat colorful language. Or spicy language, if you will. Oh, hell, every so often I rip out a few good ones, just to illustrate my point of view. I had no idea I cursed that much.

I really have no feelings about it though. I write the way I talk, without the WV drawl, most of the time anyway. I got this from Future, and was a little surprised that I cursed more than him. Not that I'm making a judgment here, but I am a gentile southern lady. Ahem.
The Blog-O-Cuss Meter - Do you cuss a lot in your blog or website?
Created by

I took an IQ test. Don't take takes you to advertising sites for about 20 minutes. But, I am pleased with the result, even though they claim it is not accurate. Mine was 134. I must be getting smarter.

Apr 6, 2008

More words of wisdom from you-know-who!!

"I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be -- hold hands." --George W. Bush, on how he can contribute to the Middle East peace process, Washington, D.C., Jan. 4, 2008

So, George, can we hold hands now?

"I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it." --George W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, Nov. 10, 2007

I don't know what he's saying either. Maybe if someone actually put the words in his mouth, they would come out better.

"All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone." --George W. Bush, San Diego, Calif., Oct. 25, 2007

I knew he had a day job....

"I fully understand those who say you can't win this thing militarily. That's exactly what the United States military says, that you can't win this military." --George W. Bush, on the need for political progress in Iraq, Washington, D.C., Oct. 17, 2007

And who listens to them??

"You know, when you give a man more money in his pocket -- in this case, a woman more money in her pocket to expand a business, it -- they build new buildings. And when somebody builds a new building somebody has got to come and build the building. And when the building expanded it prevented additional opportunities for people to work." --George W. Bush, Lancaster, Pa., Oct. 3, 2007

Ah, could you repeat that please? Is it something about those women again? No, its about those contractors, and the jobs they create. Damn!

"More than two decades later, it is hard to imagine the Revolutionary War coming out any other way." --George W. Bush, Martinsburg, W. Va., July 4, 2007

Gee, seems it happened just yesterday, doesn't it?

"My relationship with this good man is where I've been focused, and that's where my concentration is. And I don't regret any other aspect of it. And so I -- we filled a lot of space together." --George W. Bush, on British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Washington, D.C., May 17, 2007

And produced a lot of hot air..

"What I'm telling you is there's too many junk lawsuits suing too many doctors." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 10, 2007

What exactly is a "junk" lawsuit?

"There are jobs Americans aren't doing. ... If you've got a chicken factory, a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about." --George W. Bush. Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

Ah, no, we don't. My dream job, working in a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever it's called...

"One of my concerns is that the health care not be as good as it can possibly be." --George W. Bush, on military benefits, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

I almost understand this one.

"And so, General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq." --George W. Bush, to Army Gen. Ray Odierno, Washington, D.C., March 3, 2008

You know, you read enough of these and they almost make a weird kind of sense. Ummm, no, they don't.

I got these from

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Apr 4, 2008


I am so glad I don't have to set with pen and paper. I would never do more than doodle little flowers. I don't know what is up with me, but there is nothing I really want to write about. Well, there is, but I'm not too sure I want to just yet. I have forsaken the news. It is too depressing. I wish I could get passionate about politics, but I can't. I don't see any candidate out there that is going to make any significant changes. It will take four years to undo the crap George leaves behind. If Al Gore had taken a chance, I might be passionate. The man who should be president.

Anyway, I know I'll catch hell for supporting Al Gore, and I don't give a damn!!

Here is a picture that a nice gentile lady sent me. I will share with you.

Mar 28, 2008

What's new?

Life has been going rather smoothly of late. It's a little scary for a worry wort like me. I keep waiting for the @#$@ to hit the fan.

My doctor changed my medication yet again. This time I was given a starter pack for Lamictal. I have taken it before, but every time you start this drug you have to slowly increase your dose. There is a slight risk of getting a life-threatening rash with this medication. Of course, whenever you read life-threatening, it does give you pause. However, the incidence of this rash is very small, and even the common aspirin has been associated with gastrointestinal bleeding.

I did not like the Risperadal at all. I felt woozy, and as my therapist put it, looked and acted foggy. I take everything she says with a grain of salt. Especially the foggy part.

In other news, my son is home. It is good to have him back. I also have a few house guests, as usual. The neighborhood kids stopped by last night to tell us something about "sucking balls". I jumped their ass about it, but did it do any good? No. They drive my son to distraction. They love him unconditionally, and follow him around like puppies. I look forward to the day when he has his own litter. HA!

Mar 24, 2008

What happened to the Easter Bunny?

I almost shot the Easter Bunny yesterday and put him in my stew pot. A few carrots and taters, he would have made pretty good eatin'. 'Cept maybe he would be a little gamy. You can never get that wild taste out of rabbit, I don't care who you are.

I can't quite figure what made me so mad at the little bastard. I mean here was all the kids a opening up their baskets and tearing cellophane to beat the band, and they had video games, and cd's and DVD's, they had toys, and all kinds of candy. Big ole candy bars, too. Made me think about my Easter baskets when I was a wee tot. Full of boiled eggs, they were, and a few jelly beans that you had to hunt for under the fake grass. I mean, how many boiled eggs can a kid eat? How many do they want to eat?

When did Easter turn into Christmas II, is what I want to know. We didn't go to church before dawn, and stand outside in the dewy morning, waiting for the sun to come up, either. We didn't have to troop back in the church and listen to the preacher man yap on for hours and hours, or so it seemed. Nobody snored cause they had to get up so early after tasting Grandma's whiskey the night before.

What happened to the Easter Bunny? He has turned from a cute little bunny hopping around the bunny trail to a pimp riding in a limo, smoking a big cigar.

Its a shame. Its a damn shame.

Mar 21, 2008

Should have...

Could have

Should have

Would have

But I didn't, and I can't go back.

The way back

Is barred,

The door to yesterday

Locked and bolted

Tight and secure.

No prying fingers

Can find their way

Back to tomorrow.

No matter how hard they try.

Take could have

Would have

Should have

Toss them far into the sea

And pray

They wash up

On some distant

Deserted shore.

Never to be found again.

Could have

Brings pain.

Should have

brings sorrow

And didn't brings

Unspeakable anguish.

Let's send them

Now quickly

We've no need of them.

Not now.

And not ever.

Mar 17, 2008


Greetings from the sick room. I have been stricken with the flu. I was supposed to get a flu shot, but didn't wait for the nurse. Boy, am I trying to kick myself.

It's not been too bad. I have missed work, which is where I got the bug to begin with. Reminder: if you are sick, don't go to work. They won't give you a raise, or any kind of benefit for going to work sick. Stay home.

My good friend Dave came to see me, and I believe he will get the flu. Don't ask me why, its just a feeling I have. HA!

I have been watching a lot of TV, most of which is bad. The show I love to laugh at is Ghost Hunters. These guys look for ghosts that people tell them they have in their business or homes. What is so funny is that the proof they come up with is pretty much them scaring themselves. If you want a hoot, watch this show.

Top Chef started their new season, and the competition is really hot this year. I've already picked a few favorites, and can't wait for the next episode. I have actually learned a lot from watching this show. Not only about cooking, but about presentation and color of the food you serve.  This is a good show to watch.

I watch Angel and Charmed, which I love. Go ahead, call me shallow, call me crazy, I love this stuff. I guess it appeals to the kid in me. What could be more fun than magic?

Mar 11, 2008

Shrink, part II

I saw my shrink yesterday, and of course, since I whined like a little bi..., uh, dog, she changed my medication to risperadol. She wanted to changed it to another newer med, but the insurance nixed that move. So, I try this shit and see what happens.

Right now, I feel rather foggy, not froggy, mind you, but foggy. And, yes, that is different from how I usually feel. Its a good feeling in that I'm not worrying like a mad woman, or concerned about anything in particular. Should I be? Don't know, and don't care. HA!

I don't feel particularly creative, but who cares? At this moment, I damned sure don't. I'll come back and read this in a few weeks and cringe probably.

The brakes in my car went out, well, they were making this horrible grinding noise, which is not a good thing. So, my dear friend, Dave, replaced them for me. I generally find a good mechanic who works for.......well, who has reasonable prices! HA!


*The disc brake caliper (1) squeezes brake pads (2) against either side of the rotor (3). The rotor is part of the hub (4), to which the wheel attaches.

Mar 10, 2008

Monday is Shrink day......

I see my psychiatrist today. Let's call a spade a spade, shall we? Anyway, I plan to talk about my medication big time. I miss that feeling of writing whatever is in my mind at the moment. Right now, there seems to be nothing in my mind but what is on for today, which is not much.

Got a call out of the blue from Jonathon's grandmother. You may remember Jonathon as the young man who lost his life not quite a year after Travis left us. He Travis and EJ grew up together. We used to be the greatest of friends, did everything together, Joann and I, and we had a fight over kids. Imagine that! Anyway, now we are friends again. She called to tell me that a story appeared in the paper out in Washington, or California, I forget where she is now, that featured Travis' widow and children. Never lets a photo-op pass her by, now does she? Ok, that was mean. Very mean. Extremely mean. And, boy did it feel good.

My daughter in law has reminded me, that as the next of kin, she owns the rights to Travis' image. Let her use it wisely.

The psychotic bird is back, banging its head against the window. Thump, thump, thump, it is driving the cats to distraction. I still believe he sees his reflection and is trying to thwart off competition. I must get a new camera. Its a cedar waxwing. Let's hope his courtship goes off without a hitch. HA! Providing he doesn't knock himself out first.

Mar 8, 2008


Each day at work seems to bring a different kind of personality through the door.  There are days I dub old people day, kid day, stupid day, and question day.  Yesterday, everyone was full of questions. Unfortunately, I did not have all the answers.

One lady bought 30 boxes of tissues to distribute to the needy.  A very noble endeavor, but I kept thinking if I were needy, tissues would be the last thing I wanted. Call me ungrateful and mean, I just felt like food might have been more appropriate. Boxes and boxes of Kleenex, the small boxes at that.

She also bought toilet paper, six packs of 24 rolls.  These also were for the needy. And, yes, I can see this as a necessity, and an often overlooked one at that. She was quite demanding in how many bags to use, what size, and was overjoyed in recounting her last visit to Mexico. Maybe she's going back!!  Just another night in the little store that could.

I have found that the nicer the customer is dressed, the ruder they can be. I often forget I wear a name tag, and that when people call me by my name, its because of the tag. It takes away a certain sense of privacy for me. The toilet paper lady used my name frequently and was dressed extremely well.  Ok, maybe I have a little reverse discrimination going on, who knows? Maybe I am prejudiced against people with a lot of money.

My favorite customer is the elderly man, who knows what he wants to buy, doesn't fuss about every little thing, and digs in his pockets for the correct change. He is invariably polite. They also remind me of my dad.  Enough said.

Mar 6, 2008


I hate my medication, but I'm afraid to stop taking it. It works. My moods are pretty stable, and I'm not nearly as paranoid as I used to be. I can let worries go for a while, which is wonderful. I used to spend hours ruminating over the most ridiculous things. However, abilify seems to stem my creative juices.

My blog is becoming leaner and leaner all the time. I think of things to write about, then promptly forget what it was when I sit down to write. Could be writers block, I'm not sure. Anyway, I miss my somewhat skewed vision of life and its follies. I may take a writing hiatus. If I don't post for awhile, that is why. I will continue to read the blogs I love and catch up on new ones I've discovered.

Maybe I can even make adjustments to my meds where I can unlock my creativity again. Actually its very common for people with Bipolar disorder to hate their medication. The very thing it corrects is the aspect of the disease that most sufferers love: creativity, high risk behavior, and grandiosity. Who wouldn't want to fill like they are the smartest, sexiest, and most driven person in the world? Alas, its a facade, but while you're in it, it seems so real. Though we tend to make asses of ourselves, we don't see it. We think we are normal and everyone else is slowed down. Which is also why bipolar people are so hard to get along with. Its not just the mood swings, it's that grandiosity rearing its ugly head.

Anyway, I love you all, and will be back as soon as I can. Which, for me, could be ten minutes from now, or two months. We'll see which way it goes.

A very revealing post, don't you think?

Mar 4, 2008

Soft Touch

I am a soft touch. I know this, but so far have done nothing about it. You need 20 dollars? Call me, I'll come up with it for you, even if I end up giving you my last 20 dollars. I hate this about myself. It has caused me no end of problems. Why can't I say no?

I remember often the times when I was down and out. I know what it feels like, and wouldn't wish it on anyone else, but, I can't save everyone. I know this, but I still give in to some need to mother everyone and his ugly-ass brother.

How do I change this long-time behavior? How do I say no and stick to it? If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to leave them in the comment section. I am at my wits end.

Mar 2, 2008


The candle flickers faintly as the darkness deepens. Shadows begin to fill the corners of the room, and when she breathes, her breath makes a fog in the air. The darkness and cold go hand in hand.

She wonders how she got here. What happened to make her life so hard. "It's best not to dwell on it," she admonishes herself. What's done is done. She worries more about her cats than anything else. Her son is safe, this one, at any rate. He is warm tonight. Her other son, well, she likes to believe he is warm as well.

The silence is like a separate entity,keeping her company. She shivers in the cold.

There will be changes, she thinks. There has to be. She realizes she must learn to say no. Money has always been tight for her, but this has taught her a lesson. Lessons taught the hard way seem to take. And this one is hard. She doesn't want to think about tomorrow. She has no idea what she will do. She wants to talk with someone, anyone, so badly, it hurts her inside.

But there is no one. No one at all. She watches the candle flame ebb and flow with the currents in the air. She bundles herself up as best she can, not caring if her shoes are on her sofa. Its a long night ahead, and sleep does not come easy. Too many ghosts fill the night around her. Too many things left undone. God, please help me, she breathes.

And who is she? Just one of the millions of people who spend their nights shuddering in the cold. Some call her aloof, some call her friend, and some call her a gold star mom.