Abilify

Abilify is a medication I am taking to control my manic tendencies. It does this remarkably well. I no longer get super high, just stay at an even keel, so to speak.  However, I do believe that it curbs my creative process somewhat.

Abilify, like Resperidol, and Seroquel, are anti-psychotic that are used in the treatment of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.  Of course they have side effects. All drugs have side effects, the biggest one being the benefits you receive from the drug.

However, it does nothing to relieve the symptoms I have when I think about my daughter-in-law and her hate filled emails.  Well, perhaps it does. It doesn't tear me into little pieces anymore when I hear about how much she believes I am an asshole.  Perhaps I am, or was, to some degree. I am not proud of the things in my past, but I feel it is time to move forward. There is nothing to be gained by living in the past, only recrimination and sadness.

Oh, I have done my bargaining with God. Let me go back twenty years, please, and I will do a better job.  Useless, I know, but still the thoughts surface.

My daughter-in-law uses my grandchildren as a bargaining tool. I am not allowed to see them. She gave reasons, but they were vague and warrant no merit. She is without a doubt a hateful  and spiteful person. She showed me emails my son had sent her, and they professed his deep love for her. Why this was supposed to hurt me, I have no idea. Of course he was supposed to love her. More than anything else in the world should be a man's love for his wife.  But that does not mean he cannot love others. And Travis was full of love and compassion for his fellow man.

Does it hurt me, that she denies me the right to see my grandchildren? Yes, it does. Deeply and in ways I can't put words to. Is she right in keeping them from me, because of my wickedness? Well, first, she doesn't know me, or she would understand my wickedness now revolves around my addiction to Law and Order.  I would meet her more than half way, but the rest of the way is closed to me.

The only thing that keeps me from hating this woman is knowing how much she grieves for my son. She is also an ardent supporter for our troops in Iraq.  However, we split ways when she talks about our continued involvement in this hellish civil war, where we can gain nothing, and lose more good soldiers. She says she is professing Travis' beliefs, and perhaps that is so. There is nothing that says I have to agree with my son's politics. But I feel he may have changed his views with time. We have no way of knowing.

Thanks for listening. Keeping this bottled up serves me no good purpose and I would expose this woman for the heartless creature she is.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Hum.......

Christmas just isn't Christmas this year. Don't ask me why. Maybe its because we have such a babboon in the white house. Maybe its because the economy is in such a mess. Maybe its because we've lost too many loved ones in the past few years. Could be all of the above.

My son and I have decided not to exchange gifts. His philosophy, and I dare anyone to argue philosophy with my son, is that why should we feed into the mindless spending and gift-giving that everyone seems to be about? The real reason, is of course, Travis. Travis who loved Christmas. Travis who always kept a Christmas tree in his own room. Travis, the healer, the go-between, the feel-good person. We miss his quiet dignity, his absolute devotion, and his spontaneous outspokenness. We miss Travis, and it just can't be Christmas if he isn't here. There are a few who understand completely why we just really deep down want to bypass the whole holiday season. Go from Thanksgiving to January 2. But, it doesn't work that way. So, we make an effort. We put up a tree, we decorate the house, and we watch the cats bat the ornaments around the house like soccer balls. If one falls off, it takes us a few days to put it back. Somehow, we just don't care.

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I don't think Dave and I are an item anymore. But I met this guy online, and he sounds wonderful. You'll never guess, but his name is Dave, too. Meaning also. Which is odd, as the last 3 men in my life have all been named Dave. Is this some kind of sign?

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I started a new job. I like it. I'll probably go back. I understand that I will actually get paid. Cool, huh?

Oh, ho ho ho hum......

Listen while I bang the drum

Of loneliness, and heartbreak, too,

And a merry freaking Christmas to you....

Ah, but cheer up lassy,

It could always be worse

You might have to read

This horrible verse.

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Think before you speak... Here are five reasons why you should think before you speak - The last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could Immediately take the words back... Or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow And asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and Passed by a store that sold a Variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, My sister has never let me forget.

FORTH TESTIMONY : While in line at the bank one afternoon, My toddler decided to release Some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of Her after receiving looks of disgust And annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, So of course I checked My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny Had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, And he said "No" I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks And yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, In the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, Turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good?

I knew it would happen eventually. And, it is flattering in its own way. Meaning there are actually people out there who believe I can think independently, and even reasonably. If they only knew!

I was tagged by Shrink-wrapped scream. A wonderful photographer and writer who flatters me. I had been tagged by Anne of http://seriouspost.blogspot.com/, which I tried my best to forget (you'll see why). Then on top of that, Betmo nominated me for a Thinker's Blog award. Again I am flattered. The last thing I recall being nominated for was Secretary of the Ivor Elementary School PTA. That one prompted me to scour my brain for any possible excuse to decline, but none was legitimate. ("Damn, you know I want to, but Monday nights I hoe in the garden, yeah, even in the winter, don't ask me why, I just do it...") So, for a year I was the workhorse for the PTA.

However, I digress. This is particularly hard for me, as it is imperative in my moral take on life, not to leave anyone out or anyone hurt. Which is why I have a young man sleeping on my couch that is evidently allergic to work. Well, he does work from time to time, and contributes to the household in his own way. He cooks. (God love him!) Even as a child, when I got a new toy, I worried incessantly about the old toys, concerned they might feel left out, or uncared for. So that meant that Barbie and Ken adopted a one-eyed rag doll with a rip in its side.

However, I will attempt this, and remember, those I do not name here, will be worried about, while I chew on my fingernails in agony and remorse. (maybe a little too much info there) But those I do name are more than worthy of being mentioned.

Here we go.
1. The Future Was Yesterday. His blog is one that is filled with political commentary, and snips of his life that are constructed by a true word smith. His posts are provocative and timely, and very interesting. Should be required reading for high school political science class.http://thefuturewasyesterday.blogspot.com/

2. Betmo. Her blog has sent me on many a search mission to find out more about whatever subject she writes. Her passion and steadfast opinions have always inspired me. Her absolute support of freedom of speech has given me many opportunities to examine my own position. http://betblue.blogspot.com/

3. Spadoman. When I first started reading his blog I was spellbound by its beauty and humanity. He writes of travels, spirituality, tragedies, and his life in breath-taking prose. You find yourself often re-reading a post, just on the off chance you missed something. His photograph's illustrate his writing wonderfully. http://spadoman-roundcircle.blogspot.com/


4. Shrink-wrapped scream. A blog I just began reading not too long ago, gives me a picture of her life that is beautiful and real. Whatever she writes about makes me think that I wish I was her neighbor, and I wish I was that sane. Her blog reads as well as a novel, and always makes me recall the good memories of my own life. http://shrinkwrappedscream.blogspot.com/

5.Beth. The sole purpose of her blog is to inspire the reader to think, whether it is about a life event, or a very simple concept, you never come away without reflection, and waiting for the next entry. http://betatesting-no.blogspot.com/


I give a most respectful nod to Bardouble29, Anne, Psychotherapist, and Mary. Ok, maybe this is cheating, but I don't care!!

The rules:

a) People should only respond to this if, and only if, they are tagged.

b) Those who have been tagged, should now list five blogs that they themselves find makes them think, as well as also including a link to this post, so that people can easily find the origin of this award.

Now honestly, wouldn't you rather be the secretary of the Ivor PTA?