Jan 30, 2008

Horoscopes and other strangeness....

"January 30, 2008

If you come across someone a little strange today, try and get to know them, because that person could be the reflection of yourself. That person will help you to see how modern and innovative you are, and how much you should actually appreciate your very wonderful qualities. Meeting this person could be a kind of exercise in self-satisfaction."

A little strange, huh? A reflection of myself? What the hell does that mean? Even my horoscope is telling me I am a nut job. What's up with that?

My tarot reading was even worse. It stated I should not get involved in the tension floating around in my personal environment. So, I'm thinking, now, what tension? I know my guests are hungry. They have this thing about food: they like it. And lots of it. I need a bigger refrigerator. And a freezer. Lord, if I knew this would happen, I would have thought twice. Nah, not really. I'm a big ole easy pushover for people in need. I can't help it, and don't know if I really want to.

J and T are doing fine. They have kept me in good company while EJ is away. I talk to EJ on the phone, but its not the same as seeing his dear face everyday. He will be home by the end of March, so he says . I miss him. He is one of the few people, if not the only one, who really understands my off-the-wall sense of humor.

I start a new job tomorrow, so wish me luck. The other job was ok, but not enough hours, so I got another one. There are jobs out there if you look, and lower your standards, just a tad, money-wise. It helps to look at it from the perspective that whatever you make an hour is better than 0 an hour. That's just the facts. And more companies, especially chain stores, seem to be promoting from within. Maybe they are tired of training new employees, I don't know, but they are offering a lot of incentives that may make up for the lower pay up front.

I'm not quite sure what Bush's plan for boosting the economy is about. I've heard many rumors, but it still seems like a short term plan for a long term problem. If somebody out there knows more about it, please leave a comment. I am curious.


Jan 28, 2008

How vulnerable are you to stress? - Stressed Out-

How vulnerable are you to stress? - Stressed Out-

I took this little masterpiece of a test and found out I am somewhat vulnerable to stress. Ladies and Gentlemen, please!! We are all somewhat vulnerable to stress. That's what sparks the flight or fight mechanism that has been tormenting us for years. Some are more apt to be stressed than others, yes, this is true. But stress affects us all to some degree, and it wouldn't surprise me if your economic circumstances had a huge role to play.

SCOFF Eating Disorders Test

I also took this one, and yes, I am at risk for an eating disorder and I wasn't truthful, well, completely truthful, on this one. I know I have an eating disorder. It comes from chewing and swallowing vast quantities of something called food. Alas, I really do have an eating disorder, bulimia. Have had it for years, but it has more to do with control, than food. I could control people or work, but my habit of choice is food. Once you get one of these suckers, it is almost impossible to shake. It creeps into your life along with stress. A variety of medications are out there to help, as well as therapy. I myself have not found therapy that good for eating disorders. And with not too much effort an eating disorder can take over your life. I often see a correlation between eating disorders and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Are you a Competitive Stresser?

Now this was a new one on me, as I take all these tests whenever I find them. We won't go into what that says, we ain't got all day, but I can understand the reasoning behind it. You've met them, the ones that no matter how rough you've been having it, they have been having a much, much rougher time? No matter what horrible disease you are battling, they have battled one that was worse? Don't you want to slap the shit out of them sometimes?

Well, I am not competitive in my stress. You have your stress and I have mine. I, for better or worse, tend to make a joke of mine. Also not so good in dealing with stress, is, of course, ignoring it, or trying to.

So, stressed out people of the world, reply with what is stressing you out. Reply anonymously if you choose. Fine by me. Rant a little, but not about me, Ok? I got enough stress right now to choke a medium sized horse.

Jan 26, 2008

Much Ado About Nada....

Things have been quite hectic back at the ole ranch.  I have people staying with me now, and EJ is out of town.  It's up to me to establish rules and regulations. I hate it.  I hate drama of any kind. I only watch scary or funny movies, or historical dramas.  Or Law and Order, as I have to keep tabs on my boyfriend, Vincent.

With all these people, there is a lot of tattling going on. "He said," or "She said," but frankly, my dears, I don't give a rat's ass!! And I don't. People will talk, you know. And personalities will clash.  I always have my room to retreat to, with my cats, of course.


I was very sad to hear of the death of Heath Ledger. A wonderful young actor, my favorite film of his would probably be The Four Feathers.  If you have not watched it, I highly recommend it. It would be classified as a historical drama or adventure.

Why must they die so young? And what in the world did Mary Kate have to do with anything? Surely he wasn't dating her? Isn't she the one who looks rather ghoulish? I don't know, can't keep up with the twins as I hated the show that spawned them. HA!


I gain new respect for my special friend Dave every day.  He is not only a nice person, but highly perceptive about other people.  He has opened my eyes to alternate ways of looking at things. We have, of course, agreed that we will always be special friends of sorts, but that we are not seeking a long term commitment.  (Satan, get thee behind me!!)  Wait, I must cross myself, and say a few prayers of protection as I put the word commitment to paper.

Yes, I am afraid of commitment at this time in my mid-life.  I'm already committed to Vincent, and I should be committed for other reasons. Plus I must constantly fend off attentions from my neighbor, Roger, who is well known for his European persona, i.e., Roman hands and Russian fingers.....(an old phrase, but still useful).

I like living alone. I get the bed all to myself. My cats can sleep anywhere they choose, and I have full control of the remote.  My room can be messy and unorganized, or everything in its place, depending on my energy and skill level at any given time.  I can stay on the computer for hours, with no one saying, "I don't know why you spend all that time on that damned thing...".  And, most important, my comings and goings are my business and no one else's. I love it.

Now, I'll probably fall madly in love with Roger and move in with him. (Get thee behind me Satan, and quit pushing, dammit!)

Jan 18, 2008

A few words on grief:

*"Complicated grief can be differentiated from normal grief, in that, normal grief typically involves at least two of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' 5 grief stages, though not necessarily in any order. Complicated grief typically cycles through these 5 stages and then some, processing them out of order and often much more rapidly. Some people commit suicide to end the pain and suffering of grief. Examples of complicated grief can often be found in those who have survived a suicide attempt (Hsu, 2002). While the experience of grief is a very individual process depending on many factors, certain commonalities are often reported. Nightmares, appetite problems, dryness of mouth, shortness of breath, sleep disorders and repetitive motions to avoid pain are often reported, and are perfectly normal. Even hallucinatory experiences may be normal early in grief, and usual definitions will not suffice, necessitating a lot of grace for the bereaved. Complicated grief responses almost always are a function of intensity and timing: a grief that after a year or two begins to worsen, accompanied by unusual behaviors, is a warning sign, but even here, caution must be used; it takes time to say goodbye."

I'm beginning to believe I fall into this category. One day I feel OK with things, the next I am wracked with the question, Why? I spend enormous amounts of energy just trying to accept that what has happened is real. Memories are so bitter-sweet they hurt.

Many people fall into this category, and just as the article states, it takes time. I talked with a neighbor lady, who had just lost her daughter, this past week. She wants to die to be with her daughter again. I am trying to counsel her. I suddenly realized it was like the "blind leading the blind." Sooner or later I would run into a brick wall. And I couldn't fault her reasoning, just repeated platitudes that I had heard.

Perhaps in a way it ties into Babzy's latest post. Perhaps this is something that happens to Highly Sensitive People, or not, I don't know, but it does make sense.

Just give us a little more time. That's all we really need: time.


I am suffering from writer's block. I can't even come up with workable topics, other than this one, and its one I've done dozens of times before. We all suffer through it at one point, I guess.

Maybe my upcoming birthday is throwing me off. (Notice how I inserted that little hint there? Shameless..) I will be fifty-three. I didn't really think I would make it this far with the cancer and all. But, I'm still here. For better or worse.


Jan 11, 2008

Hillary won in New Hampshire, the price of gas is horrendous, everything we eat is bad for us, so, today, people, we laugh. Warning-adult humor follows. If you are a six year old kid reading this then stop now. Some would call this sexist and sick humor. They would be right. But, what the hey, it makes me laugh. Hope it does you too.

(my personal favorite...which one is yours?)

More sick humor from the demented mind of just me. What makes it even funnier is that they were sent to me by a cultured, prim, trim, matron of 70. May I always be so young at heart.

Jan 7, 2008

Monday, monday

I used to hate Mondays. The beginning of a school week. Whether it was me or the boys, I hated Mondays. Now, they are just another day. I'll chalk that up to age and maturity. I know now that nothing different will happen on Monday. Or the rest of the week, it seems. Mondays almost drive one to drink.

I was going to write about that guy in Texas who did an Ed Gein on his girlfriend, but I thought, why give him the notoriety? He may or may not be insane. Gein was judged to be insane and died in a mental hospital. Jeffery Dalmer was not insane, yet Marvin Gaye's father was judged to be insane. I mention Marvin Gaye's father because he killed Marvin Gaye.

At first sentenced to 6 years for manslaughter, Gaye Sr. was discovered to have a brain tumor. He spent the rest of his life in a retirement home. One of the most influential contributors to Soul and Rhythm and Blues, oh, hell, music period, was murdered by his own father, on April Fool's day, no less.

To me, anyone who commits these kinds of crimes, especially the act of cannibalism, has to be a little off kilter in our society. Cannibalism is so taboo, it sends shivers down our spines just to hear of it mentioned. Thus our love affair with Hannibal Lector, the creation of Thomas Harris, who based him, so it is believed, on William Coyne, a spree killer who engaged in cannibalism. (I say believed, because Harris is saying.)

As actor Anthony Hopkins says of his character, "I've always thought he's a very elegant man, a renaissance man."* Hannibal, cultured, suave, highly-intelligent, forces us to confront the fact that evil lurks where we least expect it. However, even reading Harris's last book, Hannibal Rising, and learning the reasons why Lector behaved as he did, does not take away the awesome power of that taboo.

Cultures in New Guinea are forbidden now to practice their rite of cannibalism. Many feel that this is where Micheal Rockefeller was believed to have fallen into the hands of headhunters. No one will ever know. He disappeared without a trace.

I have often thought we are wrong to go into a culture, however different from our own, and tell them what they should or should not do. The practice of Cannibalism within the Asmat culture is to absorb the spirit of the enemy. Does it make me squeamish? Yes. But do we have the right to dictate how they should live? I don't think so. If you don't want to be eaten, stay out, or bring nice gifts.

Now, before people start calling me the purple people eater, remember, I am just advocating the idea that untouched societies should remain as such, untouched by outside influence. Why must every society be westernized? Does anyone else see the correlation of this belief into what is going on today? Damned if I don't see it.

So another Monday comes and goes.
And the news gets worse and worse.
One bright spot....Obama is kicking Hillary's ass!!!!
Yee-haw! (Hillary, with her get the hell out of Arkansas ass, would love that, now wouldn't she?)
Methinks not.

Jan 3, 2008


What is it? What does it really mean to each one of us? I would like to say I am having a bit of a crisis of faith, but would it be true? I still believe. But I am very angry today, at that which I call god.

When we pray, do we expect to get exactly what we pray for or just a tidbit, a few crumbs of what we ask? Seems my whole life I have settled for a few crumbs. I believe there is a song along those lines. I have prayed and asked for interventions. I have said if I believe, if my faith is strong enough, then you will answer.

There was a time when I lived in Pensacola FL with two toddlers in tow, and a husband who spent most of his time away from home. (You can't hardly blame him...a wife pulling her hair out, and two little boys running around getting into everything.) Any way, I prayed one day. I prayed for money for milk and cereal, and eggs, and just enough to get us through until payday. When the mailman came, I got a check for $10 from Publisher's Clearing House. I was overjoyed, and disappointed. Why could not the check have been for 10,000 dollars? But it was for 10, and at that time, it was enough to get us through. This was faith. Though some would make a good argument for luck, or chance, or coincidence.

What would you call it? Do we pray and expect more than what we pray for? Do we have to be very specific in our prayers, or can we still make a generalized prayer? Do we spend enough time being grateful for what we have, and not whining about what we don't have? The questions have rumbled through my brain all day like some unwelcome guest at a get-to-gether for close friends. Can it just be that god answered my prayer and I didn't like the answer?

Lots of questions here today, folks. Any answers would be most welcome. Any thoughts at all?