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Dec 18, 2007

Ho, Ho, Ho, Hum.......

Christmas just isn't Christmas this year. Don't ask me why. Maybe its because we have such a babboon in the white house. Maybe its because the economy is in such a mess. Maybe its because we've lost too many loved ones in the past few years. Could be all of the above.

My son and I have decided not to exchange gifts. His philosophy, and I dare anyone to argue philosophy with my son, is that why should we feed into the mindless spending and gift-giving that everyone seems to be about? The real reason, is of course, Travis. Travis who loved Christmas. Travis who always kept a Christmas tree in his own room. Travis, the healer, the go-between, the feel-good person. We miss his quiet dignity, his absolute devotion, and his spontaneous outspokenness. We miss Travis, and it just can't be Christmas if he isn't here. There are a few who understand completely why we just really deep down want to bypass the whole holiday season. Go from Thanksgiving to January 2. But, it doesn't work that way. So, we make an effort. We put up a tree, we decorate the house, and we watch the cats bat the ornaments around the house like soccer balls. If one falls off, it takes us a few days to put it back. Somehow, we just don't care.

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I don't think Dave and I are an item anymore. But I met this guy online, and he sounds wonderful. You'll never guess, but his name is Dave, too. Meaning also. Which is odd, as the last 3 men in my life have all been named Dave. Is this some kind of sign?

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I started a new job. I like it. I'll probably go back. I understand that I will actually get paid. Cool, huh?

Oh, ho ho ho hum......

Listen while I bang the drum

Of loneliness, and heartbreak, too,

And a merry freaking Christmas to you....

Ah, but cheer up lassy,

It could always be worse

You might have to read

This horrible verse.

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Think before you speak... Here are five reasons why you should think before you speak - The last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could Immediately take the words back... Or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow And asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.



SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"


THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and Passed by a store that sold a Variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, My sister has never let me forget.

FORTH TESTIMONY : While in line at the bank one afternoon, My toddler decided to release Some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of Her after receiving looks of disgust And annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, So of course I checked My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny Had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, And he said "No" I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks And yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, In the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, Turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good?

15 comments:

dawn said...

I understand your feelings and you must do what you must do to get thru the season. As for Dave freaky coincidence but be careful please. the jokes were hilarious especially the kid in the taco place. Haven't heard from you hope all is well

Queenie said...

You do this to me every time, I start reading your post, you grip my heart and my tears fall for you. My son did Philosophy at uni and sometimes he really p--- me off with his smart arse remarks, I share this with you.
Then the tears start to fall again with the humorous jokes (Math was creased up as I shouted them to him) but I'm looking forward to the snow Mmmmm wonder if there will be 8"!!!!!!!

alphonsedamoose said...

Deb: I'm so sorry this season bothers you so much but I understand. Mrs. Moose had a miscarriage years ago on Christmas Day. It bothered me for years.
Glad you found a job you like. They PAY you?LOL
Jokes were great.
God Bless

Catmoves said...

Deb, three Daves in a row? Just imagine: you can accidentally use the previous boy friend's name and not get in any trouble.
Jokes were delightful.
You've found a job where you get money from someone? Go for it, girl.

SJ said...

If that female news anchor is interested...

Hope the holiday season goes the way you want it to ... muahh

Spadoman said...

Your jokes, pretty good. I wish I was around when someone said something completely outrageous. Oh, maybe I'm the one that says outrageous things.

Just recently, I have been thinking about how much I talk, opening my trap and saying things. I know that I must be an irritant to someone, or many. Then I came across this Cherokee phrase:

Help me always to speak the truth quietly,
to listen with an open mind when others speak,
and to remember the peace that may be found in silence.

As far as Christmas, well, we don't put up a tree or decorate in any way and haven't since Maggie walked on. In the past 16 Christmases, things have changed and now the next daughter has children of their own, those are my Grandchildren.

We do what we must do and buy gifts and perpetuate the myth of Santa Clause with them, as my daughter is trying her hardest to give them a tradition to follow, just as we did for her and her two sisters.

But it's hard to pretend. I still sit and cry more so during this time, Christmastime. May peace be in your hearts there. It's all a cryin' shame.

just me said...

SJ, I am so glad to see you posting here. The boy is back in town....So, you got 8 inches of snow i India...this I gotta see...

queenie, Please don't tear up. I only speak the truth, but I'm getting better about things. Really.

Dawn, will write soon. I have been sorely remiss in my reading and writing.

Moose, I'm so sorry about your loss. I almost miscarried EJ, and I was terrified. But, then there is Owen, an absolute blessing...

Spado, I think we are going tomake some changes around here as well. I have one child. Let's start celebrating his life.

Catmoves, I thought the same thing. I can run my mouth amile a minute, and not mess up. HA!

SpongyBones said...

I know where you and your son are this year. I tried to just tell myself that it wouldn't get to me, losing someone, and the holidays, but it has. Hold on to the good times, and look forward to the others later.

BTW. I can be lured too! *wink*

Mary said...

I agree that EJ is your reason and purpose to celebrate life. (with Travis in your heart)

eric1313 said...

Your testimonials had me cracking up so bad I forgot what I was going to say. All of them were zingers in my book. When I was fourteen, I told a very mean joke and when I turned around, the kind of people who would be most insulted by the "joke" were standing right behind me, a whole family, actually. I learned a whole bunch of compassion in a real big hurry that very minute. I still kick myself for that. Not a funny testimonial, to be sure. Unless you count skinny long-haired kids with big mouths as funny. In that case, I was a motorcade of hysterics.

Other than that still sore recollection, thank you for helping me to laugh. It's a tough season already, the commercialization, the guilt associated with not having enough to give everyone who deserves something. Loss only magnifies that, and you understand that very well.

Best wishes to you and yours.

Babzy said...

Oh Deb, I don't know what to write to help you with that empty sadness. We all love you. I'll come back later.

Scott from Oregon said...

Yep. Christmas can be a cruel season.

I turn it off most years, and go outdoors.

just me said...

Everyone of you has touched me in such a wonderful and profound way. god bless you all. And if you don't like god, well, may the wind be at your back....always.

ticblog said...

Hey, Deb - making the holiday rounds. I totally hear you on Christmas just not being the same without certain people around to make the holiday infectious. This is year 2 without my Dad and it still feels a bit ~off.~ I hope in time it passes.

And congrats on the PAYING job. How keen is that? (You'll have to let us know if you actually go back - the suspense will kill me lol)

just me said...

Ticblog, How nice for you to visit. You have made my day. This is the 6 year without my Dad, the 12 year without my mom, the first year without my son's fiance, and the third year without my youngest son. It never gets easier. Never. Ever. You just find ways to cope.

Seems this is your first visit to my blog. Sure hope you like what you see. It would kill me if you didn't. Naw, not really...j/k...