Dec 21, 2007

As the poem below describes, I have decided it is time to let Travis go. It hurts. It hurts more than anything I have ever done. But, he is not of this world anymore. I can't turn him into a Saint, though I wish I could. I still try to convince myself sometimes that it was a mistake.

I saw my therapist, and we talked. We talked about this, and I could tell what she was saying made sense because her words reached my heart and gave it a good shake. It's not goodbye. It's just letting him move on, letting him rest in peace. Letting him do whatever it is we do when we die.

A passage of the bible always bewildered me. "Let the dead bury the dead." I always thought that it meant those who were dead in Christ, meaning not reborn in his name. Not recognizing him as the Messiah. Whether you do or not is not the purpose of this post. That is your decision. But that particular passage always struck me as being so cold and heartless. Of course we must revere those who have gone on before us. Left to me, there would be shrines dotting the south east for those I have lost. And of course, the biggest and brightest would be for Travis.

Maybe the bible passage also means that the world is for the living, not the dead. Their concerns are over, finished. At least on this go round. I see no reason why we can't live as many lives as is necessary for us to achieve what some call perfection or nirvana. All Jesus said was that each man (or woman...) would die. God said that back in the Garden, I think, not sure. Contrary to popular belief, I was not there. Many may think I was the serpent, but I have to pass that role onto someone else. Seems he's calling himself Legion these days. I kinda liked Lucifer myself. Or perhaps he calls himself 'evil, with a little e,' as Steve King says in many of his books. Just a way we use to downplay the Evil in the world.

I can already see the comments. I am not being sacrilegious, am I? I am just trying to understand that passage. Theologians have probably argued it for years, amongst themselves. We already have a few interpretations out there floating around for us to mull over. I doubt we'll ever understand what he really means. The full message behind those few words. But for me, I will take away the fact that life is for the living. As much as I want to, I have not been over run with lively spirits, liquid or otherwise.

Life is for the living. That should be easy to remember.


eric1313 said...

Of course you are not being sacrilegious at all. You are just going about this in your own way, which is fine and the way everyone would want you to do so. And you made us laugh in the process of expressing something profound and sacred and very dear.

And the poem below was so very great--I wrote more down there, too.

Bless your heart.

Spadoman said...

What happened to me was that I accepted things as they are and must be, like you did. But still struggled for many years. I still struggle, but also, I don't want to forget about it. Letting it go and forgetting about it are two very distinct and different things.

These things that happened in our lives is what makes us who we are. These experiences mold us into the shape of what we are. Now that I have healed some and learned a little about why I am the way I am, I know I must forever hold on to what happened. It is, and must always be, a part of me. Now, I don't ever want to forget it happened, but I also don't dwell about how sad it can be at times, just accept and allow the sadness to exist and come and go from time to time.

What happened to the Mystery?

Peace to you, Deb. And Peace to All

justme said...

Eric, I think you get me better than most.

spado, There will always be a wall of pain inside me. And god knows, I will never forget my son. Never. How can you forget sunshine when you have seen it? How can you forget your first snowfall, when you have felt it. No, he is branded on my psyche and heart forever. I'm just trying not to keep him with me. Trying not to clutch him so tightly that his spirit is not free. I think death would be much sweeter than this thing I do, letting him go.

alphonsedamoose said...

Deb: I don't think you were sacrilegious at all. We are all muddling our way through and trying to find meaning for ourselves in the Bible.
I know it is hard to let go,but you are not forgetting Travis. And you shouldn't. You are just living life as it comes at us.
I think you have handled this with amazing grace and strength.
God Bless

eric1313 said...

Empathy is a blessing. I'm glad to be able to put myself in the shoes of others. It helps my writing in so many ways.

But I get you. I do. My Aunt died two weeks back from brain tumors that caused her to have several strokes. When I was very young and my dad left my mom, she did more for my sister and brother and I than anyone else. She even helped me get my first serious guitar (a Gibson flying V) after years of learning to play on a pawn shop junker, and helped me buy my first computer, which led to college and writing. She's with me and always will be--and the full force of the loss still hasn't hit me.

Reading your writing is very therapeutic. I hope the best for you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Deb. Releasing your boy should release you, too. You'll see each other again in heaven. Meanwhile, live.

Your interpretation of the bible passage is as good as any. Seems like even the so-called experts can't agree on it. Maybe that's the whole point. We have to find our own message. Whatever it means to you is the right thing.

You have a lot of support in your blogging buddies. We love you.

singleton said...

Wishing there were words big enough to hug you with, embrace you with, wrap you up in and comfort you, but somehow I think
they're already here
on this page,

"In the warmth of the sun,
She feels his smile"

When letting go becomes letting in,
when the Angels talk.....

Wishing you peace, friend, and endless love

BBC said...

If you don't read the bible it won't confuse you.