Mar 26, 2009

Just searching...

I found this while searching for pictures of Travis. It just occured to me today that I might find other pictures of Travis by running a search on Google. And when I did I discovered that as of Monday, July 21, 2008, John McCain had my son's bracelet, that he wore while on tour in Iraq, on his desk. So, where is it now? How did he get it? I pretty much know that, but it is out of my control.

Its so strange. I gave birth to Travis, and worried and fretted and loved him. I watched him grow from a baby to a young man, and upon his death, I feel I am forgotten. I feel shut out of his life. And its wrong somehow. (Would you like a little cheese with that whine??) I imagine that is what it sounds like, and perhaps it is. Another all purpose whine.

I wasn't the best Mom in the world. I made many mistakes. But the one thing I wanted my boys to know always was how proud I was of them, and how much I loved them. And that is not enough it seems, to even receive a nod from someone that hey, you were his mother. I know that this really doesn't matter, that just having Travis as a son was one of the things that I was most proud of and still am. But, for some reason, this hurts me so much.

And I have to wonder, why John McCain has Travis' bracelet? I can't figure it out. I just can't. I want that bracelet, I want every little memento I can find that I can treasure. And I'm selfish. And I know. And I really don't care.

God get me through this as you have so many other things. Let me remember the joy that was Travis, and not the tragedy of his death. Let me not be haunted by the knowledge that he died alone, without family, in a strange land. I know you were with him, as you are now. God grant us all peace, Lord, as I pray in the name of the Son, our saviour, Amen.


Sridhar said...


Whine? I think that you are actually very strong and brave about it all. You are very right to want the bracelet. It's yours.

just me said...

Thanks, SJ. That means a great deal to me. A great deal.