I have been feeling out of sorts lately. Probably because of the dates. I always feel bad now between the 15th and the 21st. Its a personal thing. However, today it is actually warm here. Well, let's say its above 40 degrees. When I lived in this state before we had warm winters. Maybe the coldest it ever got was 40 degrees in the winter. Now, it has been in the 20's and 30's. Global warming? Yeah, I think so. The summers here are usually 90 degrees plus. The energy companies are so happy they are probably pissing with joy.
The job is ok. I think I might have intimidated my little co-worker. We were trying to do a shift change, and she kept running her mouth, and I kept saying, I'm doing the shift change, which means hitting a lot of buttons, and making customers wait a few minutes. But she kept running her mouth, and then became angry, and I said well maybe you shouldn't talk so much. Oh, faux pas!! I had to get out of there. I keep telling myself this is just a job, this is just a few extra bucks a month, that's all it is. And that is all it is. Every time I find myself thinking I should be a manager, or trainer, or field consultant, I mentally slap myself.
I think my oldest son has an ulcer. And with my constant nagging he has agreed to see a doctor. (Another fall-out from the war in Iraq!) Yes, I believe this. Being the older brother, who watched out for his younger brother all of his life, took care of me when I needed it most, and has shouldered many burdens since the age of 15, yes, I believe his health has been affected by this tragedy. He says he dreams of his brother every night. So, he puts off sleeping until he is exhausted. We have spent many a night in philosophical conversation. I worry about him so much. He came to me the other day telling me about the Peter Pan fiasco, and was concerned because as he put it, "Mama, you ate the shit out of that stuff!" I told him my insides were so fucked up, no bacteria could find a foot-hold in there. "Come on boys, let's get the hell out of here, everything's already a mess!"
I'm off today, and have no plans, as I do not make plans anymore. Don't know why, I just don't. It seems obscene somehow. Actually leaving the house and going to work has been a major accomplishment for me. I told my little co-worker about my youngest son, and she told me she was in the ROTC. She's 4'11". After I told her about my son, she said that she would probably be in the air force and not on the ground. I just looked at her. I get that reaction a lot. My brother told me that it is because they don't know what to say. I think it's because they don't give a shit. So, I usually don't speak of it, even though there are times I want to scream it. I usually tell people when they ask if I have any children. I have two, I always say, but....And most people seem to ignore what I've said. It doesn't hurt me for me, but for him. I still thank all of the service men I see in uniform for there service, and they seem to be surprised and pleased. That is an obsession. But, it is the least I can do.
The very, very least.
PS: I have decorated my blog with a little bit of this and that, mostly that, which is what I feel strongly about. And I changed my profile picture. Will probably change it again. Until next time.