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Dec 29, 2006


Ok, now its time for everyone to make some sort of insane New Years resolution. I have been waiting until I was 80, then my resolutions would be to eat all fried food, gorge myself with chocolate, bed every man I can get my hands on, but damn, I've done that. Before, my resolutions seemed like ramblings made after drinking too much champagne on New Years Eve, and saying the next day, I don't believe I said that! What was I thinking?!?

This year, like every year since I turned 12, I want to lose weight. Yeah, yeah, saying is one thing, doing is another. But, as time rages on, I find my body not cooperating with me as it used to do. I say, let's walk around the block. My body says, Oh, man, we did that last week! I say, ok, let's just do some stretches, and climb on that cardio machine. My body says, I didn't buy the cardio machine, I said you wouldn't use it, so don't expect me to jump on that torture machine! Just pretend you did, and worry about it later.

My body constantly whines. I'm too tired, my back hurts, I don't feel good, I just want to lie here and do nothing. God, what a bi-atch.

I guess I'll just have to use force. Make it listen to me. I'll deprive it of food and the simple pleasures it has come to enjoy. I'll starve it if I have to. Then we'll see whose boss around here. It thinks I'll just go along with whatever plans its made. It doesn't realize I have a mind of my own. I guess it's really my fault though. I've spoiled it, gave in to its little whims for too long. Like all the chocolate it has been consuming. The TV, the books, that damned recliner. I should have put my foot down long ago, but it wouldn't let do even that!!

Well, it may have a few miles on it, but its time for a complete overhaul. It sorely needs a complete tune-up, and not that computerized bullshit. This is not one of those new model bodies. This is one of the older models you can tinker around with yourself. You know the kind, pop the hood, stick something in that little doo-hickey when you give it too much gas. Point it downhill, get it rolling good, jump in, pop the dooflopper, and, if you're lucky, it will crank right up. I got some tools, and I know how to use them, dammit.

So, body, prepare yourself! Your ass is mine.

10 comments:

Bruno said...

Aww, just put a new frame under that body, patch-up the rusty holes with some Bondo and lacquer paint(a.k.a., cosmetics and assorted make-up), and everyone will be wantin' a test-drive in an "old classic"!!!

spadoman said...

Yeah, what Bruno said.

Coffee Messiah said...

In this day and age, I'd take a "classic" over anything new, hands down! ; )

just me said...

You guys are sweet. Bruno, we're talking a hell of a lot of bondo, here. I guess if I want some test drivers, I'll have to cruise by the local VFW, no harm intended.

Fuzzylogic said...

That brought a smile on my face:)
I adore classics,they have so much more elegance than any modern day models!
Have a wonderful New year!

spadoman said...

I need to do something. I was doing so good, (diabetes and heart disease already rampant in my old chassis), Then Chrismas and all the good eats. I am out of control. New Years Schmoo years. I need to get moving, and not for vanities sake.

I'll do it if you do it, OK?

The Future Was Yesterday said...

waiting until I was 80.....bed every man I can get my hands on, but damn, I've done that.
Would that be turn 80, or......?:)

I don't make resolutions. But neither do I ignore reality. Sooooo....we allocate money each year to "buy ourselves a present."

Mine was a ticket to the fat farm. Not one of those fancy ones, where they serve melon on silver and you do your chewing exercises in a matching outfit, oh no. One of those with all that dangerous looking stuff laying all over the damn place, each and every one screaming "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU BY PRESIDENT'S DAY!!"

Bet on the dangerous looking stuff..(:

Mary said...

I like a good long walk. And a couple taebo tapes will get you right in shape. Better than fixing the body it frees the mind. You go girl!

just me said...

Spadoman, we have so much in common. Diabetes, heart disease, inertia. Mary, when I was 10 and 20, I used to walk every day. It was an obsession. And every dog we had, about 5, one severely retarded, had to walk with me.

Future, I might leave jump on the old cardio contraption.

Fuzzy, at least I made you smile. That's my exercise for today!!

just me said...

Actually my resolution for when I turned 80 was smoke all the dope I want, eat all the chocolate I want, and chase young men. I have given up the dope part. Last time I imbibed of the Herb, I got so paronoid I thought my heart was going to stop beating, and I kept thinking how I could start it again.