Mar 4, 2008

Soft Touch

I am a soft touch. I know this, but so far have done nothing about it. You need 20 dollars? Call me, I'll come up with it for you, even if I end up giving you my last 20 dollars. I hate this about myself. It has caused me no end of problems. Why can't I say no?

I remember often the times when I was down and out. I know what it feels like, and wouldn't wish it on anyone else, but, I can't save everyone. I know this, but I still give in to some need to mother everyone and his ugly-ass brother.

How do I change this long-time behavior? How do I say no and stick to it? If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to leave them in the comment section. I am at my wits end.


SJ said...

Can I trouble for a tenner? You can forget about my ugly-ass brother ;)

Babzy said...

If someone asks me for $20 first thing I do is say either "Here's $20.You don't have to pay me back." or "I can lend you $20 but I'll need it back by Wednesday." depending on the person and the situation. That way there is no confusion which leads to bad feelings.

If he pays me back I will feel fine about lending to him again. If he doesn't pay me back in a reasonable time I say "Don't forget you owe me $20" If he still doesn't pay me back and he knows that was the condition then he will avoid me. I don't usually remind again. It's worth $20 to find out what a flake he is.

The funny thing about my method is I am the one who forgets I even loaned the money. Seriously if I don't leave myself a note then I won't remember. This can be good if the person wasn't going to give it back anyway. I won't hate them. The bad thing is I'll probably give that person another $20 because I forgot about the first $20. Post-it notes are a great invention.

Babzy said...

More ... If someone asks me for money or donation or anything else I have and I don't want to give it to him I just say "No thank you" and walk away leaving him scratching his head.

Babzy said...

Still more .... If someone asks me to do something I don't want to do such as go to a tupperware party, I simply say "No thank you" and add to that one of the following: (very important)
"It's just not my cup of tea."
"It's just not my thing."
"It's not my idea of fun."

Find your own little phrases and use them every time. The reason this add on is important to "No thank you" is it puts your rejection onto the activity and not onto the person asking. You don't want her to think she is the reason you don't want to go.

This method works every time. I don't have to come up with an excuse or a lie or avoid the person or worse than anything actually do the activity because I don't know how to get out of it.

It's always okay to say no as long as it's done in the right way.

alphonsedamoose said...

Just say:I'm sorry, I can't right now.I was going to ask you.

Anne said...

Yikes! I do the same thing. It may stem from a desire to be liked or needed, and not to be seen as a jerk. It's something I need to get over, or at least examine my motives for being "nice."

dawn said...

I do believe we are kindred spirits but if you can I need a milliom I promise to pay you back Tuesday!! Hugs

Babzy said...

Hey Moose, that was one answer I didn't have in my portfolio. Thanks!

alphonsedamoose said...

Babzy: Anytime.

just me said...

Dawn, SJ, its in the mail....HA!

just me said...

Babzy, Moose, good suggestions. Now I have some alternatives!

The Future Was Yesterday said...

How do I change this long-time behavior? How do I say no and stick to it?
I'll tell you after you send me that 180K I need.:P

I have no suggestions other than try to "stiffen up", but that's easier said than done. We had some new neighbors move in next door, at the last place we lived at. The first time I met them, he asked to borrow $5. I was a little surprised, but his explanation sounded legit, so I have it to him. For the next six months, whenever he or his wife saw me outside, they'd duck in the house! All over five bucks! Just before we moved, I taped a five dollar bill along with a note, to his door.

"This will save you from lying to the next neighbor you get!"