Nov 20, 2007

Just me and Norman

I erased the post I left here. Those who read it know. Those who didn't won't. I did it for personal reasons, but I learned a valuable lesson. Those I thought were friends were not. I wish sometimes that I could be wrong about people. Or certain people. I've been denied access to a blog I have read for 2 years, and it hurts. I guess that's what it was meant to do. Hurt.

Well, not that much, as it wasn't that interesting anyway. But I won't forget this. I have learned just who is real, and who isn't. Who gives a damn, and who just wants to be caught up in their own drama. Maybe they think the same of me. Perhaps they're right. Hell if I know anymore. And I wonder why I care so much.

I am one of those bleeding heart liberals that seem to be the bane of society. I feel things. But I also take action. I sign petitions. I stir people up. I bring up topics no one else does. That's something, right? You know what would be nice? To take all the judgmental people in the world and drop them off the shore of Greenland.

"All I can say, is that my life is pretty plain,
I like watching the puddles gather rain.
And all I can do is pour some tea for two,
And speak my point of view,
But it's not sane...

All I can say is my life is pretty plain,
You don't like my point of view,
Cause its insane, Its insane."
No Rain, by Blind Mellon
Mmmmmm, mmmmmm,
the Crash Test Dummies

Once there was this girl who
Who wouldn't go and change with the
Girls in the change room.
And when they finally made her
They saw birthmarks all over her body,
She couldn't quite explain it
They had all always just been there....


Spadoman said...

You know more than a lot of people. We survive for a reason. I don't know the reason and I have stopped trying to find out. Little by little I find patience, I don't know how, maybe it comes with time, but I have a little of it. Patience to wait until my turn.

Time goes by real fast for them, the ones we lost. They would be sad too, they love us as much as we love them. It can't be sad where they are too. Time goes by real fast and then they're waiting, waiting on the other side, waiting for us. They can wait a long time if they have to, because time goes by real fast for them.

Call me if you need to. I'll listen to anything you ever have to say.

Peace to you, in your heart, Woman, and
Peace to All

alphonsedamoose said...

Deb, what an extremely brave post to write. If readers leave you for this, you will not miss them and it will be their loss.
If I had the answers for you, I would gladly share , but I don't. All I can say is trust your doctor. Dis they assign a new one at the hospital? Does the new med have a history of having people attempt suicide?
When your son calms down, talk to him. I'm sure he probably feels terrible also.
I will say a prayer for you

God Bless you

Anonymous said...

Deb, do you have any idea how much your blog friends love you? I know it sounds ridiculous to give love to someone you've never seen or talked to in person but it's just true and I can't explain it.

I think changing medicine so fast is part of what caused you so much distress (just part of it). I'm surprised that the doctor just changed it without a long smooth transition period. No wonder it upset the apple cart. Could you sue him for a big pile of money?

As far as your boys go, EJ will come strolling back. Young guys that age are such hot heads. If you can hear Travis telling you to get your shit together, then you should listen.

Deb, if I could find the answer to why we continue to live once we believe our purpose on earth is complete, I would pass that insight onto you. The reason must be that we still have unfinished business.

Enjoy your therapy. :) God knows I certainly do. HA. There is no shame in what happened, Deb. Your friends understand. There should be no judgement here. If any judgement slips through just let us know. We'll take care of it for you. Moose, a call to arms!

Anonymous said...

I forgot to say, please take care of yourself. I'm sending caring and protective energy your way. WHAP! Did you get it?

just me said...

Babzy, I caught the good and protective energy. It seems to just absorb through the skin somehow. I love you guys too. Especially Moose, have you seen his picture? "What a man, what a man, what a mighty, mighty, good man."

speaking of Mr. Moose, I sent you an email, and some guy wrote back saying he was sorry about all my problems, but I should probably see a shrink! Whadup wid dat? :)

Spadoman, you know exactly how I feel. I'm too ashamed of my self to talk much to anyone right now. I am going to start going to church, and just not any church, this is a come as you are church. A tiny little church, that give way more back to the community than it takes. No fancy clothes, no fancy ways, just good old holiness preaching and fellowship.

There's something about the way you hold your arms up to the Lord that makes me think of the native american way of worship. Dancing, singing, making a joyful noise of thanks and peace. Perhaps I'll find more help there.

I'm just feeling very ashamed of myself now. And I am also feeling how good it is to be alive. Just to see the colors on the trees, to stop and talk with a neighbor, seems a little more brighter than it did a week ago.

Blessings, and love to each one of you, for caring enough to leave a few words. It helps, it helps a lot.

Mary said...

Deb, I'm here for you. You are a survivor and a good woman. Don't doubt it. You are in my prayers.

alphonsedamoose said...

I have no idea Deb. It wasn't this moose. I sent you an address to use. Let me know if you get it

Java said...

Hey Deb. This is the first post I have ever read on your blog. Damn, woman, what a way to start! Depression is a bitch, as you well know. I've got the depression without the mania. Drugs. Keep me alive, haven't killed me yet. With drugs it could go either way. Some days I don't remember why I made the decision to stay alive. So far I've been able to stick to that decision. Today was a good day. I'm glad I'm alive today.
I have a question or two, if you don't mind. Since this is my first visit here I don't know about your children. I see that you've lost a son to war. My deepest sympathies, dear. I cannot imagine that pain. You have another son, with whom the relationship is rocky. (at least as outlined in this post) How old is this young man? And do you have any other children?
I have children. They cause joy and grief. Extreme joy, extreme grief.
Follow the link that's on my name up there. That should take you to my profile, then you can look at the blog if you'd like. But a link to my email is also on that profile page. Feel free to use it if you wish. Do not feel obligated to do so, however.
Breathe. Again. Do what's good for you.
God Bless.

just me said...

Java, thanks for dropping by and for your input. It is appreciated. My oldest son was 11 months older than his brother who was killed in Iraq. They never remembered a time when the other wasn't there.

Yes, children are our greatest sources of joy and pain. When they laugh, we laugh, when they hurt, we hurt. As it should be.

Thomas MacEntee said...

Hey Deb - thinking of you. I admit I don't follow your blog but once a week but this morning something said to click in and read.

I don't know you very well and saying "we have stuff in common" may seem trite - but you are a brave woman for posting this.

I won't give any advice right now - but I know what bi-polarism is, and I know what my meds do for me right now and I am grateful. It has taken me several years to channel my anger and rage over similar incidents into something useful.

I'll check in more often.