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Nov 16, 2007

Friday Funnies

Ok, this day is already starting out to be a class-A suck day. So, to get us laughing for the weekend, I hereby launch a new Friday feature. I have come up with the absolutely original title of Friday Funnies. I know, I know, how do I do it? I guess its in my genes. Wish Bruce Willis was in my jeans, I mean genes. Anyway, if you have a funny you want to share, please do, by all means, and just leave it in the comments section. Perhaps I'll pick the funniest one and award the winner a detailed tell-all about their lives, complete with scandals, and police record.

And so we're off!!! (Off is normal for me.)

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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.

The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.

"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"















* * * * * * * * * *

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days
later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young
woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be
careful.'"





















* * * * * * * *


An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on
the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, t
hen with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the JAR OPEN."
* * * * * * * * * *

















THREE WOMEN,TWO YOUNGER,AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER ,SHE SAID.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.
THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED,SHE EXPLAINED,
"THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE ,I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.
NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID......... " WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...
I'M GETTING A FAX " !!






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10 comments:

Queenie said...

I've nearly peed my genes reading these, you need locking up.
I'm rubbish at telling jokes and always forget the punch line..

SpongyBones said...

LMAO, I so needed a good laught today. I love F Fridays. We call it something different, just use your wild imagination and you will think of it!

dawn said...

I love the idea of this I'm going to save my funnies and put them here friday, I usually only e-mail them to joe and Betmo. Anyho girl try and have a restful and fun weekend!!!

alphonsedamoose said...

A rabbi and catholic priest were riding on a train. The priest asked the rabbi if it was true that he was not allowed to eat pork. The rabbi said yes, it was true. The priest asked if the rabbi had ever eaten pork and the rabbi admitted he had - once
"AH HAH" , said the priest.
A little later , the rabbi asked the priest if it was true he was not allowed to have sex. The priest said yes, it was true. The rabbi asked the priest if he had ever had sex and the priest said-Once.
"AH HAH", said the rabbi. "Better than pork wasn't it?"

Catmoves said...

Here's one for you:
Leroy was telling his friend moose about the date he had the night
before, "It was a bummer. She used four letter words all evening."

Moose exclaimed, "Really? I can't believe you didn't enjoy that."

"Guess again," said Leroy, "All night she kept saying 'Quit,' 'Stop,'
and 'Don't!'"

Babzy said...

YAY I'm going to LOVE Friday Funnies. So much more fun than Therapy Thursday.

Bank of Canada hmmmm? How did you know that?

*Goddess* said...

LOL! I love that "clapper" cartoon;)

Lin said...

Just caught up on your posts since the move. GOOD to have you back, girl! And thanks for these Friday laughs!

eric1313 said...

Hello, Just Me. Hope this weekend finds you well.

That president of the bank of Canada joke was awesome. Damn it was really good.
---
Nobody posted a joke? OK...

Solo mission...

An elderly lady was walking around downtown in her city when she decided to stop and get a cup of coffee at a diner she had never eaten at before.

She walked in sat down at the counter and ordered her cup of coffee and a donut. As she was finishing she realized she was a lot hungrier than she thought.

She called to her waiter and ordered a hamburger. The waiter yelled "One burger" to the cook at the grill.

The man at the grill took a wad of hamburger, shoved it into his armpit, squished it down to size, then tossed it on the grill.

The lady, seeing this, told the waiter, "Did you see what he did? I'm not going to eat that!"

And the waiter looked at her, looked at the cook and looked back at her, then said "If you think that's disgusting, I'm glad you weren't here when he made the donuts."

eric1313 said...

I hope I didn't ruin my Frost/MacLeish status with that one...

Awww, hell. It can only have helped me.