Oct 5, 2007

Yes, I took it down

I removed my last post. For no other reason than it was just too personal, and I probably shouldn't have put it up there in the first place. Perhaps people are tired of hearing about my grief. I don't know.

There are supposedly five stages in the grieving process, according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying."

  • Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
  • Anger (why is this happening to me?)
  • Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
  • Depression (I don't care anymore)
  • Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
Where I stand on this scale, I haven't a clue. I think I might be in the anger stage. I am apt to take anything said that may remotely reflect on my son in an extremely unfavorable light. I feel my hackles rise, and I want to do battle. I know things seem to bother me much more than they used to. Everything. No one can possibly understand how much I abhor the Bush Administration. I have never in my lifetime seen such a bungling bunch of idiots in charge of this country. I have never known a president to assume so much power. It is frightening.

Our government is engaged in activities that we have condemned other countries for doing. None of the candidates out there impress me at all. And here is one of the dilemma that faces all those who have lost loved ones in this war. We all realize the stupidity of this war on some level. We all recognize that there should never have been a war. Yet our son's and daughter's believed in what they were doing. They felt they were helping the Iraqi people. Well, as late as 2005, anyway. Today, I'm not sure how they feel. The military suicide rate is up. Iraq war veterans are having a very hard time adjusting to life back in the states, as all veterans have. But the Iraqi veterans have more in common with Viet Nam veterans I believe in that they do not know for sure who their enemy is. I just try to live by Spadoman's philosophy: Honor the warrior and not the war. That seems to help better than anything else.

I have also been dealing with an ad used in certain areas of the country featuring my son that is in support of the war. No one contacted me from the Freedom Watch Organization about the use of his image. You can see it on YouTube, and I have spent time there defending my son from those who hate the war, accusing him of being "just another dead marine" to a "war criminal".

I am trying to stay out of the discussion. But its hard, because first and foremost I am a mom. That's what it boils down to. I'm still his mom, and will be so until I die. I am proud of that. And his legacy is so much more than being a fallen hero. He was a gifted student throughout school. He had a wonderful, wry sense of humor. He would do almost anything on a dare. He loved punk rock music. He took his son everywhere with him. He was a wonderful father. He was an avid reader, and could laugh at himself. He brought joy wherever he went, and he loved to travel. But, this could apply to all the fallen. They were all more than heroes. They were our sons and daughters, neighbors and friends, husbands and wives. And they still are.


Mary said...

Regarding the deleted post...I think a blog is for you first. Whatever you need to express. If people don't want to read it they won't. If you need to express it then let it out.

I agree with you on the current administration. I am confused about who I will vote for. Someone who will take us as far away from this type of behavior as we can get.

I also to the part about defending your son. Once you become a mother it's a thing that takes over your identity. To not be recognized as the authority on this human being is frustrating. (I try to remember that w/my MIL.) But you are as you have shown in your remembrance of him and his completeness.

Anonymous said...

Hi Deb, I know it's hard to see yourself through others' eyes but just trust me on this and I think others will agree: We are not tired of hearing about your grief and it's not so much the content and tone of your personal posts that keep us reading and commenting.

We are here to support you and help you get through this in any way we can. It may seem odd that a bunch of strangers from all over the world can join together to lend support to one person but that's what happens in Blogville. The people who correspond with me have helped me out of some very dark places, more than I have revealed on my blog.

As far as your anger goes, I agree with Mary. It's your mother bear instincts coming out. It must be difficult but also compelling to watch these videos or read about the soldiers but in doing so it could also be your heart's way of connecting with your son as painful as that can be.

I don't know what else to say except that the people you connect with on your blog are your support and your friends. Many, probably all of us love you. How can that be? I don't know but I feel it and that means others must feel it too.

I need a drink. Care to join me? I like the kind with the little umbrellas and swords.

Anne said...

I read part of the deleted post, but I couldn't finish it, it was just too vivid and emotional for me. You are an amazing writer.

Scott from Oregon said...

I would google Ron Paul and watch a few of his You-Tube videos people put up. Especially his debates with the Repubs recently...

I am starting to feel the real need to retract the power of the federal government, and so too, are many others.

alphonsedamoose said...

Deb I'm so sorry you deleted your last post. I think people need to hear how the war affects not only the soldier but the family left behind to wait and wonder" what if". We do NOT get tired of your posts at all. I think you do a great service for all the mom's and dad's whose kids are there.
What I don't understand is ow your son can be used in an ad without your permission.
I'll say a prayer for you.

Thorne said...

Oh, (((Deb))). It's your blog. Keep speaking your truth. Fuck a bunch a assholes who have no conception of a mother's love.

just me said...

I still have the post, in draft form. It took too much out of me to delete it. But the thing is, maybe it was just too personal. I truly appreciate everyone's kindness and support. As I've said before, you guys have helped me more than I can ever say, some more than others.

Mary, Moose: I am not the legal next of kin. I could probably hop around and create a shit storm, but who is that going to hurt? Really in the end...A six year old boy and a two year old girl, and I won't do that. Mary, I pray for your son every day. I want all those troops to come home.

Anne: Another reason I took it down. Some pain doesn't need to be shared. God knows I'm not the only one in this world to lose a child. No matter what the circumstances the pain is the same.

Scott: I'll take you up on your suggestion. I think I have heard him a few times. I'm terrified that Hillary Clinton will win. Not because she's a woman, but because I don't believe she has the know how.

Thorne: I agree in a way, but you would be surprised at how many people that would be.

Babzy: I'll have a Busch NA. (non-alcoholic) I know, what's the point? But, I no longer consume alcohol.

Spadoman said...

My Dear Friend..... I've deleted plenty of posts that I thought too personal. It is our prerogative to do so. Don't pay it another second of worry. We put it out there, then decide that we don't want to share it anymore. Maybe we'll share it again sometime.

The five stages of grief.... I've been in group sessions with Veterans who struggle with PTSD and we've discussed these. I never heard about the bargaining. Our facilitator used the word "Sorrow" in that middle spot. I realized I have never dealt with the sorrow of losing my daughter 16 years ago, I also have never dealt with the sorrow of living the horrors of war and the death I've experienced there, almost 40 years ago.

I am not saying you have a long road of it, but I also realize that I will not forget, it is part of me. It is who I am and why I am, my being.

I equate you with every parent who has lost a son or daughter in war. You are no different than Cindy Sheehan, one of my heroes by the way. She just got into the news with her actions. You're not arrested, as she is, for doing what she can do to end this war and bring some peace into her own heart after the loss of her son.

I know my words won't stop any of your pain, but try if you can to adopt the idea that those that hold the opinions that are filled with judgement and hatred are sick and the problem in our big troubled world. Believe, if you can, that you need not defend your son to these people, they don't matter. Those that know and accept war, hatred, destruction and death because of politics, boundaries and oil are no matter to us. Their ideas are based on something other than love of humankind. It's a start, and a hard philosophy to grasp everyday, but it is a start.

I pray for peace in your heart and moments of joy when they are at hand. You and many other Moms and Dads and families are thought of often by many of us that want peace.

Peace to all.

Woozie said...

Ugh, those Freedom's Watch ads are despicable. Using the passing of heroes to justify an illegal quagmire of a war is wrong on so many levels.

I agree with Scot, look up Ron Paul. It's a shame he probably won't be elected, but it's still refreshing to hear someone speak truth in an arena filled with liars.

Catmoves said...

Deb, we've gotten ourselves into a heck of a mess with the Dubya in power. I feel much the same way you do about the pretenders to the throne. None of them have shown me they are the man we need. (And that eliminates the Clinton, too.)
Grief is a natural human emotion. Your post was read and accepted by your friends here. I thought it was moving and heartfelt, but you displayed your wisdom in removing it. If you choose to repeat it, we will all applaud you. If you choose to leave it out, we will applaud you. You can't lose for winning. We care.

singleton said...

Oh are Mom....and there is no President, no Author, no cause that can imagine, understand what you are living with, will live with, the depths of your grief, your loss, the world's loss. Speak out when you need to, whisper when you want to, and just know....our hearts are growing as we learn....and every prayer for peace has power....
Wishing you peace and love and strength. On this day and all the ones to come

Enemy of the Republic said...

I think Mary put it well; it is YOUR BLOG. I've written on grief a lot, I've written on spirituality--some people hate it or they won't go near my blog because it is too intense. If you need this space to work out what happened, then it is your choice--a lot of people seem to think they either know plenty about the war, about loss or they simply would rather not think about any of those unpretty topics. Too bad. It all will touch us eventually. I applaud you.

SpongyBones said...

Deb, first it's your blog and you have every right to put on it whatever you want. To heck with anyone who has an issue with it and if they judged you based on it's content they aren't worthy enough to read it.

You have every right to be angry at the whole world including me if you want. Your son gave his life so that I could be sitting here today typing this. Anyone who tells you otherwise aren't looking at a very accurate picture of themselves.

Hang in there. Roll with it and don't think you are out of line in any feeling toward any one person. Your son would expect no less from you.

just me said...

I really do appreciate your comments and support. It means so very much to me.

ddrips said...

I like post that are personal because it usually deal with the emotion and they are real ... that is how wall are melt down between stranger...

however I do agrre that it is up to you and if you want to take back it is o.k. ... I wish I was here earlier.

This is my 1st time here so I do not know too much about you and it is too late now for me to read too much further... giving you a hugg first.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

I am so sorry your son's images are being used against your wishes, and that so many stupid folk see them as a reflection of him. Hold tight, sweet lady, remember how loved you are. ((x))

Lin said...

Just be gentle and patient with yourself. It's a helluva a loss that you have endured and you've been holding up very, very well under the circumstances. Don't rush the season - hearts take a long time to heal when it is something this deep to deal with. Only time will really soften the jagged edges of what your heart's feeling so painfully everyday now. That not much of a salve right now, I know it, but it just works out that way.

dawn said...

I feel privledged to have read your last post. You have the right to do what ever you want. We will all still be here supporting you.