Oct 26, 2007

Some Funnies

When we come to the edge of the light we know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, of this we can be sure .. Either God will provide something solid to stand on or .... We will be taught to fly. (or drop like a ton of bricks... hey, is my mother here? did she say that? Mom, that's so negative, please!)


The Quarter

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, and goes blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts to panic, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, carefully puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, arises from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants. She takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".



Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , Ruled by a prick


A Blonde Catholic

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"


Businessman's Adventure

Checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone booth when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her butt, you know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait.

I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is s-e-x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.

I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

(hooker doll)


Bed sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

(some ghosts can't spell)

Happy Halloween !!!

(me and my cat Roscoe)


alphonsedamoose said...

Great stories Deb. All brand new to me. I am still laughing about the outside line story
How's the move coming along?

just me said...

It looks like its going to be a last minute type of thing.

Babzy said...

LOL I love the one about the drunk and the bed sheet. Can you fill me in on your move? When? Where? Why? How? Who? (Is EJ moving with you?)

Anne said...

Hee-hee! That was very funny.

Don't wait for the last minute. I did that and it really sucked.

eric1313 said...

Ruled by a prick...

No truer words.

I liked the lentel honemoon, too. Oh god, was that funny.

just me said...

My personal favorite was the drunk and the bed sheets, because I can see it happening.

I am moving down the street, have to be in by the 31, and yes, EJ is coming with me.

These were sent to me by Bruce, a wonderful man living somewhere in Northern California. He is Anarchitek.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

LOL! I especially loved the geography lesson. :-)

No said...

I'm a writing a play, "The Sensitive Exhibitionist." Anyone wanna help? Come on, what else am I going to do on this lazy Sunday? God forbid, do laundry or (gasp) go to church?

dawn said...

Great jokes Deb! Remember garbage bags a great technique to moving

Sornie said...

I always love a good blonde joke. Perfectly done.

Queenie said...

If only you knew how much I've missed this blog!!!

Enemy of the Republic said...

I've always wanted to go to Tibet. Now I know why!

*Goddess* said...

LOL! Love the one about the "outside line".

Catmoves said...

Love a good joke told by a blonde.
And you tell some good ones. Thank you for the laughter.

Spadoman said...

catmoves said,
"Love a good joke told by a blonde."

Are you a blonde? Not that it makes any difference, just curious. I've seen these before. I get e-mails from folks from time to time. Most are just forwarded to my e-mail as I am on their list of people in their e-mail address book.

This is so much nicer to read them on your blog. It's like a bunch of us are together and hoisting a few and you have the floor. We're all listening and waiting for the punch line. You tell one or two, then someone else. each story reminds another of a joke.

I did this so many times in the past. It is a lost art I tell you. I don't remember the last time I sat amongst friends and told jokes or talked about nothing in particular and everything in general.


I put Travis's picture up on the Days of the Dead alter at our place. (see my blog to read about this annual event). He'll be here visiting tonight with all the other spirits of those we love at our party. Think of him, I know you do, he'll be listening to some old jokes, many from before his time, and he'll laugh with us.

Peace to all.

dawn said...

Oh where oh where is my Deb, I guess your busy moving. Hope all is well and that you have a fantastic weekend!

Lin said...

Hope your move is either over or close to it. I do detest that part of life. Thanks for those laughs, too!

Babzy said...

Deb, your picture disappeared. Oh no. This isn't a fake college blog like those silly boys with the "Straight to Hell" blog, is it?

Deepak Gopi said...

I have returned

eric1313 said...

I hope that your move went as planned. Post again soon.

Queenie said...

Hope everythings going ok..

David said...

cheered me up, those stories did

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