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Oct 18, 2007

Changes

I'm getting ready to move. Won't that be fun? It's not far. Just down the street. As some of you may know, I live in a mobile home community. Some may call me trailer park trash. And some may kiss my ass. I enjoy living here. I have lived in a lot of different places. Lived in the big house in the country, where my children grew up. Until I got cancer. Oooh! You would have thought I had contracted the plague. Let me say this, cancer is not a communicable disease.

When a marriage is faced with life or death issues, it seems to define exactly how strong that marriage is. Mine was not that strong. It does not mean that my ex-husband was a bad person for running out in the middle of my chemotherapy treatments, quitting his job, and moving out of state. OK, maybe there is a tad bit of anger there. But he did come back, several times, to get the rest of the things that weren't tied down. Especially the computer. We didn't have Internet access at the time. But, I remember how much Travis loved that computer. The break-up was hard on him. The cancer was hard on him. EJ tried to become the man of the family after his father left. At sixteen, that is a very large burden to carry. Coming out of chemo, with a 50/50 chance of recurrence, I was very frightened about what would happen to the boys, if it did come back.

There is something that happens to some people undergoing chemo that is called Chemo Fog. That's where you don't remember anything. Before chemo, I had an almost photographic memory. When recalling a line of poetry, for example, I saw the book, the page, the line, in my mind. Now, I wade through a miasma of clutter, and blank spaces, and gloom, and then end up on Google. Thank the lord for search engines. Doctor's might tell you it doesn't exist. Nurses will understand what you mean. And other cancer patients know exactly what you mean. I bring all this up, because at the time, I wasn't thinking at my most capable. I still, occasionally, tend to repeat myself. Back then, it was all the boys could do to keep reminding me, "Mama, you said that already." "Oh, OK." They weren't being sarcastic, they were just reminding me. So all of these things left me concerned for the boys. What would happen if I just up and croaked?

When my ex called and said he had found us a new house in Georgia, just for me and the boys, I thought it was a good idea. After selling our farmhouse to a couple with 5 kids, we loaded up everything we owned. They were renting from us, waiting for their loan to go through. Little did we know it would take two and half years for that to happen, and the lawyer almost went nuts trying to collect payments from them. I remember how he fussed at me for agreeing to rent the farmhouse to them, while they waited for their loan, for the exact amount of our mortgage payments. As he hopped around his office, he told me I could have rented it for twice that. I just said, "Oh, well, I never thought of that." Of course not. I was wading through fog.

Anyway, we arrived in Georgia, and until we could move into the new house, we stored everything in my brother-in-law's double-wide which he was "renovating". We took two cats with us, my beloved Guilda, and Speedy, Travis' cat. After the nine hour drive, I let Guilda loose, as she was in a horrible state. It was after dark when we got there, and I honestly believed she would do her little job and come right back to me. I never saw her again. She just disappeared. I went back many times searching for her, asking people who lived close by, (who looked at me like I was a freak) but I never found her. Travis was smart, he kept Speedy in the car. Since it was so late, my ex said we could stay at Dot's house. Even in the fog, a little red flag went up in my brain.

We moved into a little trailer that some friends of my sister-in-law, Dot, had just down the road from her house. We're talking the backwoods and clay roads of south Georgia here. It was a 50 x 10 foot trailer. But it was a place to stay until we could move into our new house. I was glad that the boys would be around all their Georgia cousins, and aunts and uncles. I did not realize at the time how utterly lost EJ was.

The next day we went looking for the house my husband had told me about, and wonders of wonders, he couldn't remember where it was. He knew he had passed it several times. We drove around all morning, he could do so, as he wasn't working. I learned much later that he had received a nice settlement package from his former employer, none of which I received. We stopped many times, at different houses, but none of them were for rent.

There was no house. My boys and I lived in the little trailer from March 1995 until June of 1995. By that time, EJ had quit school in the little Georgia town, had rebuilt the motor in his truck, pretty much on his own, with a little help from his uncle Randall. We lived close to what I had called family for almost 20 years. They welcomed Travis, which was not hard to do. Everyone welcomed Travis, the peacemaker. The youngest. The one who carries the families emotions in their hearts. I know. I was the youngest. EJ and I felt like guests, who had over stayed their welcome. Their father did not spend time with them, as I had thought. They rarely saw him.

During those three months, none of the cousins or aunts or uncles came to visit. I was told of two or three people who had died of colon cancer since I had been diagnosed. I was still going through that why me stage, and feeling guilty a little about surviving. I remember my sister-in-law looking me straight in the eye, and saying, "But they had the bad cancer." What, you mean there's a good cancer out there? Damn, this should be on the news. No, the truth is I wouldn't be here if my cancer had not been located next to my appendix. Which became inflamed, and caused unbelievably constant pain. They thought they were doing an appendectomy, and then the Dr. started talking to me about a mass, and a bowel resection, and an oncologist. I've never quite been able to figure out that statement. It's been in the box, and I'm putting it back.

When school ended, EJ geared up to drive home, to VA. He had plenty of friends he could stay with, and he planned to go to summer school to pick up the classes he had missed. He hated Georgia. It wasn't home. I had found a job by this time, and could see possibilities opening up. But, I could not let him go alone. And he meant to go. So the three of us sat down, and discussed it. Travis decided to stay, as he wanted to spend more time with his father. He was turning 16 and I felt that this was his right. I knew that Travis would be ok staying with his Aunt Dot. She loved him as much as I did, well almost. Who knows? How do you measure love? I knew he would have fun. It hurt. It hurt so much, but I had to respect his wishes. And, selfishly, I secretly hoped he would get homesick and decide to come back to VA.

So, EJ and I loaded up what we could in a Ford EXP, and headed home. I might have had $200.00 to my name. We were going to stay with good friends until I got on my feet. Ahh, so much for well laid plans.

to be continued

24 comments:

dawn said...

Deb I love you and got the e-mail I can't sign on until Monday but I will. As for this post it is my opinion now as in the past that your ex is a shit. I wish I could sick Tyson on him. As for trailer park trash I would welcome you hands down over someone from the right end of the tracks. I have to say when I lived in FLA we had many friend who had double trailers and if you didn't ssee the outside of them you would never know it was a trailer. I think people have misconceptions. Anyhoo good luck with the move and have a great weekend!!!

Babzy said...

That ex of yours is a jackass. Many of them are. That must have been very hard when your two boys wanted to be in different places. You've had far too many burdens.

I hope your new home is just right for you. I am sending loving energy to you. Wait for it .......... Did you get it? xx

Scott from Oregon said...

More evidence than women are far more couragious than men.

just me said...

I don't know if its courage, or plain ole cussedness, and determination. And, you gotta do what you gotta do.

BBC said...

"I'm getting ready to move. Won't that be fun? It's not far. Just down the street. As some of you may know, I live in a mobile home community. Some may call me trailer park trash."

Camper trash is folks looking up to being trailer trash. LOL

It sounds like you have been through a lot, but be thankful you don't live under a tree?

I couldn't live in a trailer park, but that's just me. I'm glad that I own my own little space free and clear and can pretty much do what I like here.

Good luck with the cancer battle. Hugs.

alphonsedamoose said...

Good luck with the move Deb.
My mom had breast cancer in 1960 and is still around. Almost 87 now. It must have been the GOOD kind.
God Bless.

Catmoves said...

Deb, there's no such thing as a "short move". But look at the bright side. You can have a helluva great garage sale.
Best wishes and I hope it goes smoothly.

Spadoman said...

I'll be back. I have a lot to say to you as usual, all good stuff. No time right now.

Just that I wish I could live in an RV, a mobile home with wheels that aren't jacked up off the ground. Road trash Hee Hee!!

Peace to all

singleton said...

I don't know how you do it, spin a tale that's heartwrenching and pulls on my every emotion, and somehow I end up smiling.....At your strength, your doggedness, your damned determidness! Wishing you a wonderful move, girl, to a karmically perfect home! Cheers! To a new view from the kitchen window and new next door neighbors!'
peace~love

Lin said...

God luv ya, girl! And since you are too classy to say it, I will - your ex was a dickhead and a schmuck. And you certainly didn't deserve the life he tossed your way like some old bone. G-r-r-r-r ....

just me said...

"So welcome back, baby, to the poor side of town."

Billy, I love trees.

One day, Spadoman, I will be cruising, seeing the sights, with cats in tow, and maybe a great dane on board. I might even get a dog. HA!

Truth be told, my ex is not a bad person. He just makes bad choices, as I have a time or two.

Gardener Greg said...

I don't know, I think my ex falls into that jackass catigory. Tough life but please keep pushing forward.

Spadoman said...

I look back often at my own behavior when I was younger and had no idea of what love means or what commitment of a relationship is. I guess I did some things right, and so did my spouse as we've lasted together a long time.

Trailer trash is ma funny stereotype. Ity conjurs up many Jeff Foxworthy images of the dogs sleeping uinder the front added on porch and the toothless people sitting above on rocking chairs. Funny sights, just not reality. I remember when we lived in an apartment and there was a light in the hallway that had no shade over it. My brother came to visit, then went home and reported to Mom and Dad that I was living in a place with "bare" light bulbs, like that was some sign of trouble, or worse yet, poverty.

When i close my eyes at night, I am in any room i want to be in. When I sit and eat, I look at the plate, not the manufacturer of the dwelling, and when I see others with less, I invite them in from the cold. I am proud of who i am, and i know you are too.

Bring the dogs and cats when you come by, they're part of your life, they'll be welcome as well.

SpongyBones said...

Deb, you are one hell of a strong woman and your kids are lucky to have a mom like you in their lives. Your ex doesn't know what he is missing.

dawn said...

just checking in to see how things are going. Hopefully smooth!

David said...

Followed your post from cruelvirgin.

I live in a mobile home community, and it's not so bad. I haven't grown a mullet just yet. :P

Most of my well laid plans lead to plans laid to rest. i could ponder if reason was for best, or if I could possibly anticipate the hurling wrenches.

I just know that break downs are invevitable, and sometimes hurling wrenches can help me fix parts in my life I've been neglecting. I try not to get morose, that's all.

:: sighs :: Life. All that needs to be said.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Lord, friend, you inspire me and no bullshit--and let's tell the world to kiss our ass.

I love all my blogmates, but you I both love and need.

Babzy said...

This is a pretty template.

Deb, I took a peek at David's blog and am astounded at how well he writes and how deeply he thinks for his young age.

Young people's brains must be a lot bigger nowadays than when I was a kid. (David, I'm talking about you like you're not here. hahahaha)

just me said...

I know what you mean Babzy. I visited David's blog, as well, and he is one hell of a writer, people, you must check it out. I was afraid to leave a comment, as I didn't want my ignorance to show. But that's silly isn't it. He's been here, so he already knows how ignorant I am...

just me said...

Enemy, yes, let's just bend over and moon the whole world, but, no, let's wait until the Republican National Convention. That would be much more fitting. We'll go in disguise, with those fake glasses with noses attached. We'll fit right in. I gotta feeling they'll like looking at your ass a lot better than mine.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Well, as long as we don't have to see their ass, as what comes out it has been the legacy for the last 8 fucking years. But you wanna--I'm game!

Stephen Rader said...

Your posts and your stories bring me home each time I read them. And when I read...

"As some of you may know, I live in a mobile home community. Some may call me trailer park trash. And some may kiss my ass."

...I let out a yell!! Amen to that!!!

eric1313 said...

Trailer park or not, you're doing one hell of a lot better than I am.

But I'm still hanging in there doing my lovey dove writer thing. And still doing it my way.

I have twenty bucks to my name, plus a sock full of change I can't spend because it's for self-- defense! My little red flag has been waving for a while. All I can do is salute it!

Peace out, Just me--
and yes, let's bring the boys (and girls) back home.

Queenie said...

Have come back to see what you had been up to whilst I was away, I'd just checked in and giggled at your jokes on my first visit. OMG what sh-- to happen to anyone let alone someone as nice as you. Some BLOODY men need horse whipping, you are such a strong lady you will go on to stick two fingers in the air to all those who hacked you off ((((HUGS))))