Sep 27, 2007

Some funnies.....

Guess my Age

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."


Little Johnny and the Word Game

In school Mrs. Rogers was playing a word game with the kids.

She would shout out a letter and then pick on a student, and the student would pick a word that starts with the letter.

Mrs. Rogers said the letter "B" and Johnny raised his hand.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say bitch She called on Sally instead. Sally said Ball

Mrs. Rogers said the letter "P", and Johnny raised his hand again.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say Pussy, she called on Frank, who said paper.

Finally, Mrs. Rogers said the letter "R", and again Johnny raised his hand.

Mrs. Rogers couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R" so she picked Johnny.

Johnny hesitated and said "Rat" .... "A Big Mother Fucking Rat"


Male Friend Needs Technical Support

Sequel to Upgrading to Wife 1.0.

Can you please advise me. I'm having some problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus.

I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented".

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try.

On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help??


Stephen Rader said...

Hilarious! I love the first story so much!

It reminds me of on my Daddy tells all the time...

A couple are driving through Florida and they are arguing about how to pronounce the town they are in. Is it KissIMmee or KISSimmee? Soon, they park their car and go into a fast food restaurant for lunch. After they place their order they ask the woman behind the counter...

"How do your pronounce where we are?"

The woman behind the counter replies...


I love that one.

dawn said...

Thanks for the laughs today I needed them

Rachelle said...

Glad I visited, I'll be back again!
Take good care of you!

alphonsedamoose said...

Loved the jokes, especially the Upgrading to wife 1.0. I am definitely showing Mrs. Moose this one.

Woozie said...

Girlfriend must be programmed by Microsoft. I can see the Mac vs. PC-esque ads now...

SpongyBones said...

LMAO, I can't even imagine some one guessing my age!

Funny thanks for the laugh!

Enemy of the Republic said...

Actually I could picture some old lady saying that. Why not? What does she have to lose?

You write good stories.

Anonymous said...

I'm all behind in my reading. I'll come back tomorrow. Today's been a bitch. Have a good sleep, Deb.

Lin said...

Dontchya just love those dirty old ladies! I'll have to remember that tactic myself.

just me said...

I pinched these jokes from the net, I must confess. Wife 1.0 has been around for a long time.

Got to love that little Johnny.

What man wouldn't pass up the opportunity to have a woman play with his equipment?

Anne said...

Funny. :D

...I tried Husband 1.0. It wasn't so great either. Lol.

Gardener Greg said...

hahahaha, I just love those jokes. Thanks for the laugh.

BBC said...

Ha, ha, ha.

Hey, it's not little Johnny, it's little Billy. :-)

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Ah, that was just what I needed, a good old belly laugh! Thanks, hon..

No said...

I have tried husband 1.0 and husband 2.0...I have nothing to say!

No said...

and boyfriends xp......I don't even know what the hell that means!