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Aug 13, 2007

I have lately become acquainted with a young man named...C. Of course there are more letters in his name, but C will suffice for now. He spent some years in the Air Force, and now, he seems to wander from job to job, as my son has been doing since his brother's death in Iraq. They have started working for a temp service, and I am not complaining. He is doing something. My son I mean. He is finally moving forward, and that is a good sign.

C is one of the those rare people who just by being tends to make you laugh. He is totally in love with my friend, who calls me Miss EJ. However, Saturday night, because of my son's 42 year old 'friend', (yes, the butt girl) they decided my new nickname should be "the devil," loosely based on the Waterboy's mother in the Waterboy. Seems my son's friend's little boy let slip, after a lot of coaching from me, (the devil), that his mother thinks I am mean. So, of course, being somewhat of a sarcastic nature, I said, "Boy, don't you know that I come from the devil?" He looked at me, somewhat dubious, and said, "No, you don't." Of course, my son, ever my defender, said, "Yes, she does!!" Wasn't that sweet? What happened, you may ask. The last time I wrote about this woman we were going to church. We'll, we didn't make it. She went fishing instead.

She came down a few days later with her son in tow to use my phone. She still has to pay a 95 dollar deposit to get her phone turned on, and she uses my phone until she does so. I don't have a problem with that, unless she plans on calling relatives in Afghanistan or Iraq, and not because I am racist per se, but that is probably the calls that Homeland Security monitors, and I just don't need that shit right now. Anyway, everything was going fine, until she and her son began to fight with one another. "You are a liar!" "I am not mom!" "Yes you are you little fucker!" "Mom, please, I'm not doing anything." So, rather than find something handy to brain her with, I politely told her, "Look, if you two or going to fight, ya'll will have to take it elsewhere, cause I don't want to hear it." Then, Poof!! she was gone....Yes, just like Keyser Sose! So, she wouldn't come back to my house for days...it was so peaceful.

She returned one night, as my son, the boy, and she were going fishing. Well, the last time they went fishing they left a cooler with a dead crab in it on my porch. Guess who opened it after it had sat in the hot son all day? You guessed it. Guess who has bleached the cooler twice now? You guessed it. They also froze some undressed fish, meaning it had all its guts and everything, and left it in my freezer. And left it. For two weeks. Because she doesn't have room in her freezer, as she has no food, and is starving. I know that doesn't make sense. But, I'm the devil and can say shit like that. At least this is what I hear her telling various church groups. On my telephone. While I cringe in the corner.

So, I'm getting ready to tote the trash off, and I see all this fish, that no one wants or they would have cleaned it to begin with, and I decide to chunk it out. I also see a box of squid, bait, and chunk that too. I hurry and take this to the trash dump, and when I come back, I admire all that empty space in my freezer.

Then they come down with the fishing poles and fishing stuff, and make a beeline for the freezer, looking for the fish! (where is it? I don't know!) and the bait (where is it? I don't know!) and she comes out fussing about having to buy more bait. So, I'm sitting there with this shit eating grin on my face, when this young man C says, the devil did it.

C recently had his car repossessed. He says his mother turned him in. I have no idea. We were all just shocked that they would repossess a car when he was just three weeks late on a payment. So, C has been working at this temp place, and he worked one day at one place in particular that hired him full time. Before the car was repossessed. Of course without his car, he called and told them he would not be able to work there, but they are a patient lot, and told him to come back when he gets his car out of the shop. So, he decides to call them back a few days later, to find out when he can pick up his check for one day. All we hear is "I know damn well I worked there. I worked for ya'll one day, and you told me to come back when I got my car back. Well, you better check your computer, cause my names in there, dammit. I want my check." When he hangs up, he turns and looks at us, and starts laughing. We ask him whats so funny. He says, "Damn, I just called the repo man."

"Why didn't you just have them apply your check to the balance due?" I said. "Did you help him hook it up, or what?"

"No," he said, "I just dialed the wrong number. No wonder she didn't know who I was."

Moments like this are precious and few, and we laughed ourselves silly.

I don't feel any different having been deemed the devil. I don't even look different. I've always been scary looking. I guess now I have a reason to be. I asked them, why me, why am I the devil? My son explained the best. He said, "Mama, as long as I've known you, I have to say you are like some wines...and acquired taste." I think that's a compliment, of sorts.

17 comments:

Woozie said...

A dead crab cooler?

Now THAT is mean. You should have done something creative with it, like put the crab in their tackle box.

Anne said...

Betcha can't wait until the relationship has run its course and your son sees Butt Girl for what she really is.

I wonder if C isn't telling you the whole story on the car. Maybe he's been late several times before, or this was one of those no-more-mister-nice-guy financing companies who deal with people who already had bad credit.

Scott from Oregon said...

I read a story about a woman who cleaned crabs all day then went to her gyno...

She said "the looks" were horrific.

It is always better to be a little evil than purely saintly.

You have more fun.

Diesel said...

He accidentally called the guys who repossessed his car instead of his employer? That's pretty funny.

alphonsedamoose said...

Won't you be glad when you see the last of Butt-girl.
C sounds hilarious

skinnylittleblonde said...

I love it! Calling the repossessors! Hahahaha... last month, the cable company came to my door trying to collect on the cable bill. I ever so truthfully told them that I do not watch TV, do not own a TV & that they must be crazy if they think I was going to give them one red cent.
When my husband came home, I told him that he may want to pay his cable bill...

Those boys are blessed to have a devil like you in their lives!

just me said...

Woozie, I never even thought of that! But, there ain't that much devil in me. Woozie, you must be from the devil!!

just me said...

No, C wasn't telling the whole story about his car. Like 4 months worth. I keep telling him to go "back" to work for them and apply his payments to his car loan....

just me said...

Seems for some reason, everyone I know is behind on some kind of bill, SLB, especially Butt girl. But, then she calls the church to bail her out. They brought me a ham for helping her out, but its really cause I'm the devil...lol...woops, just dodged a lightning bolt.

just me said...

Cleaning crabs for a living would be about like cleaning fish. Or working with pigs. The odor eventually gets under your skin. Scott, I bet she got some good antibiotics, what do you think?

just me said...

Moose, you got no idea. This kid will keep you rolling. Especially when he starts to argue with his beloved. I say, Just don't say anything. Does he listen? Hell no.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Oooh, whoop that butt-girls ass!! As for letting someone sit on YOUR phone and bad mouth YOU on it - are you crazy???? You definitley need to get more evil, my friend, as a "devil" you're never gonna' cut it.. ((x))

Babzy said...

Oh devil woman
Devil woman let go of me
Devil woman let me be
And leave me alone
I want to go home

BRUNO said...

Ain't none of my business here, but I agree with Shrink: You need to get YOUR home, and YOUR life back before you become an all-day sucker, for seven-days straight!

BRUNO said...

Oh, BTW--now THIS is GREEN! A rather putrid green, but still, it IS definitely GREEN, as a gourd!!!

Catmoves said...

You're right about the calls to the lands you mentioned. The worst part, like any government operation, once you get on their list, you are there forever. And changing the number won't get them off, either.
But I think you are the most hilarious devil on the web. Go get 'em, girl.

Babzy said...

OH PRAISE THE LORD BRUNO SEES GREEN. I am not going crazy. Well maybe I am but it isn't your template, Deb, that's sending me there. Spent the whole day adjusting my monitor to make Bruno's pink T-shirt go away but it's still pink and your template is still kryptonite salad. But it's growing on me.