Some Funnies

When we come to the edge of the light we know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, of this we can be sure .. Either God will provide something solid to stand on or .... We will be taught to fly. (or drop like a ton of bricks... hey, is my mother here? did she say that? Mom, that's so negative, please!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Quarter

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, and goes blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts to panic, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, carefully puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, arises from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants. She takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , Ruled by a prick

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Blonde Catholic

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Businessman's Adventure

Checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone booth when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her butt, you know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait.

I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is s-e-x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.

I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

(hooker doll)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bed sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

(some ghosts can't spell)

Happy Halloween !!!

(me and my cat Roscoe)

humor funnies life silliness

Changes

I'm getting ready to move. Won't that be fun? It's not far. Just down the street. As some of you may know, I live in a mobile home community. Some may call me trailer park trash. And some may kiss my ass. I enjoy living here. I have lived in a lot of different places. Lived in the big house in the country, where my children grew up. Until I got cancer. Oooh! You would have thought I had contracted the plague. Let me say this, cancer is not a communicable disease.

When a marriage is faced with life or death issues, it seems to define exactly how strong that marriage is. Mine was not that strong. It does not mean that my ex-husband was a bad person for running out in the middle of my chemotherapy treatments, quitting his job, and moving out of state. OK, maybe there is a tad bit of anger there. But he did come back, several times, to get the rest of the things that weren't tied down. Especially the computer. We didn't have Internet access at the time. But, I remember how much Travis loved that computer. The break-up was hard on him. The cancer was hard on him. EJ tried to become the man of the family after his father left. At sixteen, that is a very large burden to carry. Coming out of chemo, with a 50/50 chance of recurrence, I was very frightened about what would happen to the boys, if it did come back.

There is something that happens to some people undergoing chemo that is called Chemo Fog. That's where you don't remember anything. Before chemo, I had an almost photographic memory. When recalling a line of poetry, for example, I saw the book, the page, the line, in my mind. Now, I wade through a miasma of clutter, and blank spaces, and gloom, and then end up on Google. Thank the lord for search engines. Doctor's might tell you it doesn't exist. Nurses will understand what you mean. And other cancer patients know exactly what you mean. I bring all this up, because at the time, I wasn't thinking at my most capable. I still, occasionally, tend to repeat myself. Back then, it was all the boys could do to keep reminding me, "Mama, you said that already." "Oh, OK." They weren't being sarcastic, they were just reminding me. So all of these things left me concerned for the boys. What would happen if I just up and croaked?

When my ex called and said he had found us a new house in Georgia, just for me and the boys, I thought it was a good idea. After selling our farmhouse to a couple with 5 kids, we loaded up everything we owned. They were renting from us, waiting for their loan to go through. Little did we know it would take two and half years for that to happen, and the lawyer almost went nuts trying to collect payments from them. I remember how he fussed at me for agreeing to rent the farmhouse to them, while they waited for their loan, for the exact amount of our mortgage payments. As he hopped around his office, he told me I could have rented it for twice that. I just said, "Oh, well, I never thought of that." Of course not. I was wading through fog.

Anyway, we arrived in Georgia, and until we could move into the new house, we stored everything in my brother-in-law's double-wide which he was "renovating". We took two cats with us, my beloved Guilda, and Speedy, Travis' cat. After the nine hour drive, I let Guilda loose, as she was in a horrible state. It was after dark when we got there, and I honestly believed she would do her little job and come right back to me. I never saw her again. She just disappeared. I went back many times searching for her, asking people who lived close by, (who looked at me like I was a freak) but I never found her. Travis was smart, he kept Speedy in the car. Since it was so late, my ex said we could stay at Dot's house. Even in the fog, a little red flag went up in my brain.

We moved into a little trailer that some friends of my sister-in-law, Dot, had just down the road from her house. We're talking the backwoods and clay roads of south Georgia here. It was a 50 x 10 foot trailer. But it was a place to stay until we could move into our new house. I was glad that the boys would be around all their Georgia cousins, and aunts and uncles. I did not realize at the time how utterly lost EJ was.

The next day we went looking for the house my husband had told me about, and wonders of wonders, he couldn't remember where it was. He knew he had passed it several times. We drove around all morning, he could do so, as he wasn't working. I learned much later that he had received a nice settlement package from his former employer, none of which I received. We stopped many times, at different houses, but none of them were for rent.

There was no house. My boys and I lived in the little trailer from March 1995 until June of 1995. By that time, EJ had quit school in the little Georgia town, had rebuilt the motor in his truck, pretty much on his own, with a little help from his uncle Randall. We lived close to what I had called family for almost 20 years. They welcomed Travis, which was not hard to do. Everyone welcomed Travis, the peacemaker. The youngest. The one who carries the families emotions in their hearts. I know. I was the youngest. EJ and I felt like guests, who had over stayed their welcome. Their father did not spend time with them, as I had thought. They rarely saw him.

During those three months, none of the cousins or aunts or uncles came to visit. I was told of two or three people who had died of colon cancer since I had been diagnosed. I was still going through that why me stage, and feeling guilty a little about surviving. I remember my sister-in-law looking me straight in the eye, and saying, "But they had the bad cancer." What, you mean there's a good cancer out there? Damn, this should be on the news. No, the truth is I wouldn't be here if my cancer had not been located next to my appendix. Which became inflamed, and caused unbelievably constant pain. They thought they were doing an appendectomy, and then the Dr. started talking to me about a mass, and a bowel resection, and an oncologist. I've never quite been able to figure out that statement. It's been in the box, and I'm putting it back.

When school ended, EJ geared up to drive home, to VA. He had plenty of friends he could stay with, and he planned to go to summer school to pick up the classes he had missed. He hated Georgia. It wasn't home. I had found a job by this time, and could see possibilities opening up. But, I could not let him go alone. And he meant to go. So the three of us sat down, and discussed it. Travis decided to stay, as he wanted to spend more time with his father. He was turning 16 and I felt that this was his right. I knew that Travis would be ok staying with his Aunt Dot. She loved him as much as I did, well almost. Who knows? How do you measure love? I knew he would have fun. It hurt. It hurt so much, but I had to respect his wishes. And, selfishly, I secretly hoped he would get homesick and decide to come back to VA.

So, EJ and I loaded up what we could in a Ford EXP, and headed home. I might have had $200.00 to my name. We were going to stay with good friends until I got on my feet. Ahh, so much for well laid plans.

to be continued

This and that

---

Look before you leap today, dear Aquarius. There is a very good chance of falling if you are not careful. Errors can easily be avoided by simply taking the time to think things through carefully before you act. Also, though you are great about starting projects, you're not so great when it comes to finishing them. Today would be an excellent time to practice your follow-through. PeoplePC

This is my horoscope for today. No wonder I haven't been posting. I even have my horoscope bitching at me. And, I haven't been doing much leaping anyway, hell, I haven't even starting packing yet!

---

While browsing through some blogs that I read, I happened upon Babzy's. I learned that certain bacteria in my digestive system could be craving chocolate. Now, after consuming chocolate yesterday, I am consumed with nausea. It could be a bug, or it could be a somatic response to the new information. Which ever it is, I am glad, because being a diabetic, or borderline diabetic, depending on which scale you choose, I do not need to eat chocolate. Or sugar. Actually, there are two schools of thought about what constitutes having diabetes.



















There is one theory that any blood sugar reading above 109, should be investigated further with tests, and treated as being diabetic. Then there is the old standard of 124. What actually happens in a lot of cases is that as your body loses the ability to use insulin, you will find you're blood sugar levels may run lower than normal, as the pancreas goes into overdrive, trying to compensate. I have gone to work, and worked 8 hours, with a blood glucose of 55. I had the RN check it on a whim. I felt OK, just jittery. She looked at me, like, Damnnnnnn.....!!! She told me to drink some juice, so I settled for a Dr. Pepper.

Probably the best doctor to see for a reliable diagnosis would be an endocrinologist. The guy who loves to check out your glands. And hormones. If I had saw one back in 1996, he would have told me I had polycystic ovarian disease, and, perhaps, endometriosis. And who knows how long I had that? I only found out when they yanked everything out. Which is what it felt like afterward. Like it was yanked out, instead of surgically removed.

In addition to regular blood sugar tests you do yourself at home, you should also have an A1C or glycated hemoglobin test at least twice a year. It measures the average blood glucose for about four months.

---

Yesterday, a friend sent me a forward that detailed all the toxic effects on your body from consuming large quantities of aspartame, the artificial sweetener in diet Coke and diet Pepsi. Since I consume large quantities of both of these beverages, depending on which one's on sale, I was a little worried. The symptoms listed were often mistaken for those who are diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Multiple Sclerosis, and Lupus. Also, it seems that if it does cause arthritis in the body, the effects are irreversible. This place, The Aspartame Information Center, loves the stuff. They list some very important sources, too, like the AMA, and the FDA, which would lead one to believe it is safe for everyone to use.

This place, Sweet Poison, hates the stuff. Authored by Janet Star Hull, it is pretty much a everything-that's-bad-about-aspartame website. She even has steps to "detoxify" your body. One thing that is scary, is that this lady claims one of the metabolites of aspartame's main ingredients, phenylalanine, is formaldehyde. Which pretty much means by the time I die, I will be "pre-embalmed".










If I continue to consume mass quantities of this stuff, that is! They also rave about the substitution of Stevia as a sweetener. Look, I bought some stevia, and you want to talk about after taste? Nasty...

Doing a random check at Snopes they pretty much called it a hoax. But then where do they get their information? (Where do they get their information?) They checked with the FDA, and quoted a visiting scientist from MIT. But what kind of scientist was he? And we all know the FDA is infallible. It's a government agency, for Christ's sake.

Still, one must take this with a grain of salt. It came in an email. It was scary. According to the symptoms, I or just about anyone I know, could be suffering from Aspartame poisoning.












When I worked at the hospital, however, we queried one of the neurologists one night, when he came in to check on a patient. Should we be drinking this stuff? He shook his head no. Now, him, I trust. That was five years ago, and I'm still drinking it. I do notice however that when I was drinking regular sodas, I didn't have as many aches and pains, and I was a lot thinner. What's up with that?

I'm not making this up...

"As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." --George W. Bush, on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2007
















How do I get this one by spell check?

"I heard somebody say, 'Where's (Nelson) Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas." --George W. Bush, on the former South African president, who is still very much alive, Washington, D.C., Sept. 20, 2007



















I'm sure the Mandela's were shocked to hear this one!

"I've got God's shoulder to cry on. And I cry a lot. I do a lot of crying in this job. I'll bet I've shed more tears than you can count, as president." --George W. Bush, as quoted by author Robert Draper in Dead Certain






I got a feeling God's had it up to here.....

"I'm going to try to see if I can remember as much to make it sound like I'm smart on the subject." --George W. Bush, answering a question about a possible flu pandemic, Cleveland, July 10, 2007














So that's his secret! He really is stupid, it isn't an act....

"These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved." --George W. Bush, Sofia, Bulgaria, June 11, 2007














Can you imagine the teachers who had to grade his term papers in school? "No, George, you're just restating the same thing over and over again."

"Information is moving -- you know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007














See, he can grasp complex themes. He understands that you find on blogs on internets...To bad he can't dance....

"Either we'll succeed, or we won't succeed. And the definition of success as I described is sectarian violence down. Success is not no violence." --George W. Bush, on Iraq, Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007



















Could you repeat that in English, please?

"The best thing about my family is my wife. She is a great first lady. I know that sounds not very objective, but that's how I feel. And she's also patient. Putting up with me requires a lot of patience." --George W. Bush, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007
















Somehow, I think we already knew that. Would love to hear Laura's conversations with God..."Oh, why, Lord, why have thou forsaken me...Please, God, please, how long must I suffer this torment..."

"And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it." --George W. Bush, interview on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007






Hmmmm.....I think you already have....but, keep up the good work, by all means...

"And one thing we want during this war on terror is for people to feel like their life's moving on, that they're able to make a living and send their kids to college and put more money on the table." --George W. Bush, interview on the NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, Jan. 16, 2007












That's right, dammit. Send those kids to school and put them to work. Mr. Lehrer, you are such a brave man...(Ok, which one's the turkey?)

"Politics comes and goes, but your principles don't. And everybody wants to be loved -- not everybody. ... You never heard anybody say, 'I want to be despised, I'm running for office.'" --George W. Bush, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007





Which makes it a good thing you won't be running again. "Hello, I'm George Bush, and my principles are despised, but I'm still running for office..."

My personal favorite:

Historical Quote of the Day (AP)
"A moment I've been dreading. George (Bush Sr.) brought his ne're-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida. The one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as a contributing editor or something.
That looks like easy work."
-- Ronald Reagan in his recently published diaries, written May 17, 1986

Yes, I took it down

I removed my last post. For no other reason than it was just too personal, and I probably shouldn't have put it up there in the first place. Perhaps people are tired of hearing about my grief. I don't know.

There are supposedly five stages in the grieving process, according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying."

• Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
  
• Anger (why is this happening to me?)
  
• Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
  
• Depression (I don't care anymore)
  
• Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Where I stand on this scale, I haven't a clue. I think I might be in the anger stage. I am apt to take anything said that may remotely reflect on my son in an extremely unfavorable light. I feel my hackles rise, and I want to do battle. I know things seem to bother me much more than they used to. Everything. No one can possibly understand how much I abhor the Bush Administration. I have never in my lifetime seen such a bungling bunch of idiots in charge of this country. I have never known a president to assume so much power. It is frightening.

Our government is engaged in activities that we have condemned other countries for doing. None of the candidates out there impress me at all. And here is one of the dilemma that faces all those who have lost loved ones in this war. We all realize the stupidity of this war on some level. We all recognize that there should never have been a war. Yet our son's and daughter's believed in what they were doing. They felt they were helping the Iraqi people. Well, as late as 2005, anyway. Today, I'm not sure how they feel. The military suicide rate is up. Iraq war veterans are having a very hard time adjusting to life back in the states, as all veterans have. But the Iraqi veterans have more in common with Viet Nam veterans I believe in that they do not know for sure who their enemy is. I just try to live by Spadoman's philosophy: Honor the warrior and not the war. That seems to help better than anything else.

I have also been dealing with an ad used in certain areas of the country featuring my son that is in support of the war. No one contacted me from the Freedom Watch Organization about the use of his image. You can see it on YouTube, and I have spent time there defending my son from those who hate the war, accusing him of being "just another dead marine" to a "war criminal".

I am trying to stay out of the discussion. But its hard, because first and foremost I am a mom. That's what it boils down to. I'm still his mom, and will be so until I die. I am proud of that. And his legacy is so much more than being a fallen hero. He was a gifted student throughout school. He had a wonderful, wry sense of humor. He would do almost anything on a dare. He loved punk rock music. He took his son everywhere with him. He was a wonderful father. He was an avid reader, and could laugh at himself. He brought joy wherever he went, and he loved to travel. But, this could apply to all the fallen. They were all more than heroes. They were our sons and daughters, neighbors and friends, husbands and wives. And they still are.