Apr 10, 2007


I'm not sure if Ej will be going back to the ER today or not.  I tried to make him go yesterday as he has not improved since he got home.  He told his friend more about his condition than me, as he doesn't want me to worry.  Yeah, right.  Anyway, we'll see what happens today.  I could force him, but as he's 28, and that's hard to do.  He is as stubborn as I am. 

The other day, a friend of ours came over to fix our heat pump, God bless his heart, and he brought his wife with him.  She and I, (notice I didn't say me and her, which was my first instinct) sat and talked while they worked on the pump.  Somehow we started talking about politics.  I can't remember who brought it up.  Oh, I remember, I showed her the decorations on my blog, the anti-bush ones, and said I  hoped she wasn't a republican.  She said, well, as a matter of fact....she was.

So we discussed Bush's Iraq policy, and she was all for it, stating if we didn't do something about the terrorists, if we pulled out now, they would just follow us home and blow us all up.  Well, of course I had to voice my opinion, saying that the terrorists were not from Iraq, but Afghanistan, and other Arab countries.  That Bush went into Iraq looking for a reason to invade.  She said, well they hated us, and would do anything to see our country fall.  I said, all the Arab countries hate us.  I said many operations in Iraq were conducted to keep insurgents from crossing the border into Iraq from Syria, one for example, Operation Matador. 

Anyway, she said something to the effect that she had voted for Bush.  I said, Whatever for?  The man is insane.  There were a few things about dignity, and going after those responsible for 9/11.  I said most presidents wouldn't have had any other options than to go after them. 

We disagreed on this.  Anyway, things got a little heated, and I said what had always been in the back of mind, but I had never voiced.  That if wasn't for Bush and his war, my son might still be alive.  She said, I swear I'm not making this up, she said  not necessarily.  I looked at her, and said what do you mean?  She said he might have been deployed to some other location and been killed there.  Maybe I'm wrong.  I'm the one who  said it.  Which opened me up to responses such as this one.  But the coldness of a statement like that shocked me.  So matter of fact, like discussing who fumbled the ball at the football game. 

Then I started thinking about destiny.  It was all I could do to keep from screaming and ripping her throat out, but all I said was I had never thought of it that way.  I was pretty much shocked, I guess.  I should be used to it by now.  Most people react to his death in Iraq the same way.   "Well, he's just a statistic."  or "What did he expect would happen?"  Unspoken, but hanging in the air, challenging me. 

Then I try to talk about the son who wasn't a corpsman.  The one who loved cats, who loved his family, who could do just about anything and make people laugh.  The one who read books all the time, and whose son was the light of his life.  And, its like I'm talking to myself.  The subject is changed, to something at random.

Many will say that some people are just uncomfortable  talking about death.  Well, there is such a thing as being appropriate and acknowledging someone's loss.  It's not hard to devote a few minutes to listening to someone talk about this type of thing.  Its a type of validation that says, yes, I hear you, and I will listen for a moment or two. 

Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe she was right in what she said.  I'm still a little floored by it all, but she was in my home, and it is my policy that whoever enters my home, will be treated with respect, until they start throwing beer bottles and act like a crazed baboon.  We all have boundaries. 

So, I'm asking you.  Did I over react?  Did I take a simple discussion and turn it into another thing all together?  We actually parted as friends, but why do I still feel sad about the whole thing?

And, as for EJ, when I tell people what happened they seem to think he bumped his head.  No big thing.  Is it just me, or has the whole world forgotten the word compassion?  Do I expect too much?  Tell me what you honestly think.  I really need some kind of feedback on this.


Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
dawn said...

First off what is that comment spam. Second of all your so called friend is a bitch. Whether she was right or wrong really doesn't matter a friend would have more respect and compassion. My friend who lost her son 3 years ago would have knocked me out for a similar statement, not that I would ever say anything like that to her. Your right where is all the compassion in the world. People don't think before they speak. Oh and Deb your a mother your allowed to obsess over an injury your son had I would do know less. It's usually my husband that reigns me in. I still think he'll be fine afterall he has you

Mary said...

I don't think you over reacted at all. That was rude and thoughtless of her.
My youngest son told another parent once that he was worried that his brother would be killed in the war. The parent voted for Bush and we often have light hearted arguments about politics. He told me son that that is what Michael signed up for. He knew what he was doing. When Johnny told me about it I was so pissed off. That is what you say to a young boy expressing concern for his brother!? Even thinking about this has my blood boiling again. It changed my not so high opinion of that person completely. Freaking, dumbass, idiot.

I hope EJ will go to the hospital again. It worries me. Better to be safe.

Bardouble29 said...

My friend, as I continue to get to know you, you are so sweet. First off you are a mom. You are allowed to worry incessantly about your son.

Secondly, your friend has her right to have her opinions, but she should have been more compassionate about the loss of your son. She doesn't have to agree, but could have just been silent about her opinions.

psycho-therapist said...

i wish i could say i'm surprised by this post but sadly, i'm not.
"compassionate conservatives". what a bunch of bullshit. i am so very sorry that you lost your son to this shitty war. NEVER let anyone stop you from talking about it. if you help ONE PERSON change their mind/politics/heart... you will have bettered this world. as your son died trying to do. forgive her for her ignorance and don't you dare apologize!

Anne said...

I don't think you overreacted at all. I would have wanted to throw that woman out on her butt.

As for the other son, he may not even realize that he doesn't seem right. I hope he agrees to go to the doctor, just to be safe. Other people probably don't take it too seriously because a bump on the head doesn't really explain how serious it is. They probably don't understand what you mean.

No said...

Right again, Deb, on all accounts...I agree with Dawn..that woman is a BITCH!!!

Yes, I agree with the others...hope your other son goes to the hospital again.

Take Care.

Shrink wrapped scream said...

I think you showed far more restraint that I could have done, in your shoes. What a smug, self-satisfied cow! The only consolation is, she's bound to open her jaws and let her belly rumble once too often, to the wrong person, and wind up floored (here's hoping, eh?).

Your post made me cry. You have dignity, love and compassion, and my heart just breaks for your loss.
No mother should have to deal with that. You paint a vivid picture of both of your sons, one is, and the other was, a fine example of your loving up-bringing.

And as for EJ, keep clucking gal, and get him back to that hospital, just for peace of mind, if nothing else!

just me said...

Thank you guys for your supportive comments. I agree that everyone is entitled to their own take on things, but I wish we could consider the circumstances in which we express them.

Shrink-wrapped scream, and psycho-therapist, welcome and thanks for stopping by.

I don't think the comment is spam, we just can't read it.

just me said...

Actually, anonymous is spam, and here is the best translation I could get:

Hello, I times again ne good address found. Under have I for my parents fuel oil ordered... went fast and simply. I can only empfehlen.Es gives plus, bio Diesel under also fuel oil and all other sources of energy. Looks also times in the Shop... interesting offers there! Many greetings Daniel April 10, 2007

BRUNO said...

Be VERY careful with some of this spam, Deb. Don't end-up letting your blog be someones' "mule" for getting through info that YOU didn't approve! If that message IS just spam, well, IT happens! But this doesn't quite fit the bill for "regular-spam".

I may not be too well-versed in the definition of "compassion", but I do know how to "watch my ass"!

And, there are always going to be those who support idiots in power, regardless of what shows! I wonder: Was this person one of the "unaffected" types who don't, or maybe never, had a loved one in the military, past or present, and/or suffered the same type of loss as yourself? Chances are, the answer is NO....

deuddersun said...

All I can say is she is lucky it was your house because I would've thrown her fucking ass out head first without opening the door and her husband right after.

God Bless You Sister. You have made the ultimate sacrifice. You have earned the right to say whatever you want to whoever you want anytime you want.

Please accept my most sincere and deep regrets for the loss of your son.


deuddersun said...

Sorry to mention this, but the link to your Tribute on didn't work for me. It might be my browser, (Mozilla 2.0), or a bad link.

Thought you'd wan to know.


The Future Was Yesterday said...

I have the same policy about guests in my home as you do - until they show me they are pure assholes - then I hold the front door open for them. I demand the same respect in my home, that I give.

You met the "Republican Party" head on. They could justify crapping on your dinner table as "a gift of decorations" and get pissed when you bitched!

Invite her over again, and poison her!:)

Keep fighting with Doctors. I have no medical experience other than having to be hospitalized a lot, and I can tell you as a patient, there are some "F"'d up Doctors out there! I think the reason they instantly distrust you when you show signs of a brain, is you have the capacity to expose them as incompetent!

Loving Annie said...

You didn't over-react. You have a very valid point. She was insensitive to say the least. No compassion. It is pathetic when people don't try to feel someone else's pain -- you never know when it's going to happen to you, so for Pete's sake, BE KIND, you know ??? I would hae been sad too.