Ramblings from the outside of nowhere

Changed my template, as you can see. The black and white thing was hurting my eyes. Not that I read my own blog that often, but the template had lost its novelty.

Not much been going on around here. The job hunt has so far been unsuccessful. But I haven't applied everywhere yet. I have had a lot of different jobs in the past. If it was a job I really wanted, I usually got it. The only jobs I don't really want to take is in fast food. I tried it twice. The first one I was 20, and the manager wanted me to (his words) take dictation sitting on his lap. This was before sexual harassment and all that good shit, so I just quit.

The second one, the cash register had pictures of food on it instead of numbers! I just couldn't do it. For me, it was too damn hard to hunt for pictures, than to punch numbers. Then I worked the drive-threw, where a man, waiting for me to fill his order for an ice-cream cone, accused me of being a promiscuous woman. And a lot of other things, too. I was 42 at this time, and just didn't have the coordination. This was at a time in my life where I needed a job, not a career. You know what I mean if you need money like yesterday, and take the first job that comes along. Then wait for a better job to come along. I had two kids to feed, house, clothe, and provide for, and it feels you with such desperation you will do just about anything to keep them safe.

I was in the process of going through chemotherapy after surgery for colon cancer, a bowel resection, and my husband decided to find himself, back home in Georgia, where he was born. My boys were 16 and 15, and we decided not to go with him. So he took a separation package from his job, and left. If you've ever had chemo, you will understand when I say it fucks with your head a great deal. I suffered from CRS, can't remember shit) in a huge way. I still have memory problems. Of course I had other symptoms, but the memory part was the worst for me. I used to have an almost photographic memory. Meaning my head was full of a whole lot of useless information that I could pull up like a file on a computer. Now, I have to use a very unreliable search engine, and pick the result that seems closest to what I'm looking for. The kids were always saying, Mama, you already said that. Mama, you've seen this movie before. Which was kinda neat because I could watch movies and read books over and over again, and it was always like the first time.

I remember sleeping a lot, and some other things, but it takes a while to jog my memory. People I used to know on sight are now complete strangers. Its hard to talk to someone who knows you and you got no idea in hell who they are. A lot of head nodding and smiling, and yeah, that really was something wasn't it? goes on, while you frantically search for a reason to end the conversation.

One curious thing I remember is my cat, Guilda, always laying on my stomach or back, over the area that caused so much pain. Every night she slept on top of me, and when I rolled over, she would just walk across my back as I rolled. I miss that cat very much. I was her midwife during two of her pregnancies. But, I think its true that cats sense illness and disease in people. I know Roscoe gets extremely affectionate, and meows when I get upset and cry. Then I end up comforting him, so it all works out.

That was 12 years ago, so I feel pretty comfortable saying it might not come back. Being superstitious, I will not say I am cured, and amazingly, oncologists won't say it either. To them I am a cancer patient. I have had ten colonoscopies at least, so I pretty much know the drill, and have learned a whole new vocabulary which include stool, rectum, bowel, and anus, words a lot of people would rather not say. But, of course I'm going to tell you to talk to your doctor, tell him in no uncertain terms what symptoms you are having, and don't be afraid to say constipation, or bowel movements. If my cancer hadn't been found when it was, I wouldn't be here. It would have spread to my liver and lungs, and God knows where else. You have a much better chance with a stage I cancer, than a stage IV cancer. Many other people have gone through what I have, and have lived to tell the tale.

How I got from looking for a job to cancer, I don't know, but there it is. My mind wanders. One thing I do remember is having a great deal of pain, that was more sever at times than others. My cancer was located in the cecum, where the small bowel and the large bowel are connected. I don't have one anymore, but the mass was pressing on my appendix, which caused the biggest part of the pain. I remember being in walmart, and being struck by a wave of pain so severe that I doubled over and sat on the floor. Other people shopping just reached over top of me to get their items. I would take advil by the handfuls, so now I have a very irritated stomach lining and acid reflux. But I will always remember me sitting in Walmart, contorted in pain, and people just passing by, intent on getting their items, whether they had to step over me or whatever. Looking back, I can't help but laugh. I know it sounds mean, but people see what they want to see.

You know I could write a book about this, but I won't do it here. Just one of those times where one thought leads to another thought and another, and you don't remember how you got from thought one to though three.

I will still be pursuing my job search. Something part-time is what I'm looking for, which should be easy to find as they don't offer benefits for part-timers. But I won't be working fast food. I will never figure out those cash registers with pictures instead of numbers. Only young people can figure that shit out.