The young man who occupied my sofa for a long time has been evicted. As much as I care for this young man, (young meaning he's 35) I told him I couldn't support him any more. So, he found another person to take him in, his cousin, and packed up all of his belongings, and left. We still hear from him, and he harbors no hard feelings.
While cleaning up the mess he left behind in his bedroom, my son and I found drug paraphernalia. We also realized that all of my sons power tools, my digital camera, and other items, have disappeared. It's not hard to put two and two together. I guess, though I don't want to realize it, I am hurt by this news. I treated this man as family. But, I have thought about why I did this.
The only conclusion I have come up with is that I am too damned trusting. I actually believe what I consider my friends to be telling me the truth. Even though I have been shit on a hundred times, I still have trust in me. Of course, it is a dwindling, bit by bit. Slowly, I am cutting myself off from the world. I see it, but can't seem to stop it. I have always been a private person, except when I was off in lala land, pursuing all the plans a manic mind comes up with. Then everybody was my friend. Let the good times roll!!
The fact is I don't want to cut myself off from the world. I realize it's not a good thing. I tell myself its because my body is falling apart. And, I can't seem to stop the process. My newest diagnosis is rotator-cuff syndrome. Let me tell ya something, it hurts. I can tolerate pain. The morning after I had my hysterectomy, I grabbed my IV pole, stood up, and trotted down to the elevator, rode down to the lobby, walked to the smoking area and had me a cigarette. Yeah, I know, bad for my health. Of course the nurses chided me severely for my actions, and told my doctor, but I tell this here to illustrate that pain has usually been fairly tolerable.
But now, I actually feel pain, and I don't like it. I don't like using any kind of narcotic pain relievers, but you have to consider the quality of life. My son says that pain management is essential. He has chronic nerve pain from an operation to his ulna nerve, where they moved it around, and he has some prolapsed discs in his back.
Now that we have discovered our very good friend, his best friend, as a matter of fact, is a crack addict, well, we're both a little upset. He more than I. Just in the past year, he has lost his ex-girlfriend of eight years to a drug overdose, one of his closest friends, and a beloved aunt. His father continues to be a dick, (sorry, it just slipped out) and he's got all the signs of classic depression. He doesn't believe in medication, so I try to talk. But, see, I can't fix it. I wrack my brains for possible solutions, but I can't fix it. It is so frustrating.
I don't like to give up either. I spent 10 years trying to improve my marriage, tried everything, and I still didn't give up. He left me. I was relieved, but I couldn't give up. And, I still won't give up, but, it sure is getting harder not to. I think of all the people I have known who just accept the fact that they are afraid of bridges, or their health sucks, or the constant refrain of "I can't do anything about it, so fuck it." I can't grasp that philosophy.
There are times I wish I could.
Oh, will I go after the young man who stole from me, and violated my number one rule of the house? Probably not. It's his word against mine, and I will probably chalk it up to a learning experience. And, I still like the guy. He has a problem, though unfortunately, he doesn't seem to realize it.
Something else I can't fix. You can tell me to shut up anytime.