May 10, 2007

The young man who occupied my sofa for a long time has been evicted. As much as I care for this young man, (young meaning he's 35) I told him I couldn't support him any more. So, he found another person to take him in, his cousin, and packed up all of his belongings, and left. We still hear from him, and he harbors no hard feelings.

While cleaning up the mess he left behind in his bedroom, my son and I found drug paraphernalia. We also realized that all of my sons power tools, my digital camera, and other items, have disappeared. It's not hard to put two and two together. I guess, though I don't want to realize it, I am hurt by this news. I treated this man as family. But, I have thought about why I did this.

The only conclusion I have come up with is that I am too damned trusting. I actually believe what I consider my friends to be telling me the truth. Even though I have been shit on a hundred times, I still have trust in me. Of course, it is a dwindling, bit by bit. Slowly, I am cutting myself off from the world. I see it, but can't seem to stop it. I have always been a private person, except when I was off in lala land, pursuing all the plans a manic mind comes up with. Then everybody was my friend. Let the good times roll!!

The fact is I don't want to cut myself off from the world. I realize it's not a good thing. I tell myself its because my body is falling apart. And, I can't seem to stop the process. My newest diagnosis is rotator-cuff syndrome. Let me tell ya something, it hurts. I can tolerate pain. The morning after I had my hysterectomy, I grabbed my IV pole, stood up, and trotted down to the elevator, rode down to the lobby, walked to the smoking area and had me a cigarette. Yeah, I know, bad for my health. Of course the nurses chided me severely for my actions, and told my doctor, but I tell this here to illustrate that pain has usually been fairly tolerable.

But now, I actually feel pain, and I don't like it. I don't like using any kind of narcotic pain relievers, but you have to consider the quality of life. My son says that pain management is essential. He has chronic nerve pain from an operation to his ulna nerve, where they moved it around, and he has some prolapsed discs in his back.

Now that we have discovered our very good friend, his best friend, as a matter of fact, is a crack addict, well, we're both a little upset. He more than I. Just in the past year, he has lost his ex-girlfriend of eight years to a drug overdose, one of his closest friends, and a beloved aunt. His father continues to be a dick, (sorry, it just slipped out) and he's got all the signs of classic depression. He doesn't believe in medication, so I try to talk. But, see, I can't fix it. I wrack my brains for possible solutions, but I can't fix it. It is so frustrating.

I don't like to give up either. I spent 10 years trying to improve my marriage, tried everything, and I still didn't give up. He left me. I was relieved, but I couldn't give up. And, I still won't give up, but, it sure is getting harder not to. I think of all the people I have known who just accept the fact that they are afraid of bridges, or their health sucks, or the constant refrain of "I can't do anything about it, so fuck it." I can't grasp that philosophy.

There are times I wish I could.

Oh, will I go after the young man who stole from me, and violated my number one rule of the house? Probably not. It's his word against mine, and I will probably chalk it up to a learning experience. And, I still like the guy. He has a problem, though unfortunately, he doesn't seem to realize it.

Something else I can't fix. You can tell me to shut up anytime.


historymike said...

It is heartbreaking to find out that the trust you placed in someone has been violated.

Addicts live in a world of denial: denial that they have a problem, denial that their actions affect other people, denial that they are - deep down - worthwhile human beings.

I hope that your friend can get to the point where he can acknowledge his addiction and begin to repair the damage he has caused to his relationships.

BTW - being "too trusting" is a good characteristic; never be ashamed for assuming the best in people. Most of the people in the world deserve your trust, and people like your friend should be seen as aberrations, not the norm.

dawn said...

Being Trusting is a good quality, it has gotten me into similar situations. Don't let them take that from you. You are a strong woman and I'm glad you have this place to vent. Maybe you can try and talk your son into counseling or even a group type thing for survivors. you know I wish you peace.

Shrink wrapped scream said...

You may be hurt, disillusioned too, but you will always trust. It's who you are, bonny lass. Not he, or anyone else can steal that away from you.

IV drip, major op, and she's off for a fag.. Yup, my kinda' gal!!

Take the med's hon, like you say, quality of life, eh? As for your precious lad, just stay a safe place for him to fall, and he'll find his own way through.. xx

Shrink wrapped scream said...

ps. You're tagged..

Enemy of the Republic said...

I'm sorry about this. I am a recovering drug addict, and I am sorry to say that this is not atypical. I had my niece, who is also an addict, move in last summer because her mother couldn't deal with it. A lot of the same stuff began to happen, but much we caught in time as I knew about the life. All I can say is that drug addicts are two people: they still can love you and wish you well, but when the urge hits, they will steal and bleed you dry. I was reminded of that with my niece when she began stealing from me. I knew she had no ill will toward me. So I directed myself to the addict in her, not the girl herself. But I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't been one myself. I am really sorry you had to deal with this.

just me said...

historymike, glad you stopped by, and I agree. The biggest part of addiction, is self-medication, a way to feel better about yourself, and cope.

Dawn, again words of wisdom.

Carol, I can find a place, cushioned, for him to fall, but letting him is the challenge. But, your advice is well taken.

Enemy, I admire your courage to accept your problem and deal with it. I know enough to realize it is an everyday struggle. Bless you.

phaseoutgirl said...

Each time we trust, we always expect that it won't be broken, and each time someone breaks it, we still trust again because that is just how we are, at least how I am. I am like you too, and I know what you mean. In whatever form, I will still trust, even if there is a risk that mny heart gets broken. That is the beauty of life... Be well, my friend...