Mar 28, 2007

The following is not for the faint of heart, and those who have issues with anatomy and its various functions. You are forwarned. If you have read this before, I offer my most humble apologies, but it is a matter that I am very passionate about, and feel it must be addressed at all costs. So many situations we encounter in life leaves us at a loss on how to proceed. Here is an answer to one of those situations.

How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE--Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)--Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH--Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME--Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER--Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)--Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS--Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR--Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH--Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE--Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON--Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET--Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED--Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY--Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

I know this is extremely valuable information for us all, and I suggest you make a copy and back it up as soon as possible. For your sake, and mine.


betmo said...

omg! i almost snorted my lunch! hee hee!

dawn said...

This is the most hysterical and true thing i've read in a while. Maybe you should write a book about off collered subjects. Thanks so much for the laugh, I needed it

BRUNO said...

All of this "pertinent-information" is out the window, LITERALLY, when using the well-known, but always dreaded, PORTA-POTTY! At 110 in the shade, or at 25 below zero, there just ain't much "fartin' around"!

Anne said...

Very funny! Bruno makes a good point. When I worked as an office manager on a construction site, I was usually the only woman there. They gave me my own personal port-a-potty. I put a big pink LADIES sign on it, but that didn't stop some of those stinky men from fouling it up. :p

Diesel said...

I'm one of those faint of heart people.

dawn said...

I went to the bathroom today in the office to tinkle and started to laugh thinking of this post
Thank you

just me said...

I think what is so funny about this little gem is that we all can find one of these to identify with. The thing of it is everybody goes to the bathroom, but they don't want anyone to know that they do. As a kid, I can remember watching TV and wondering if the actors did things like that. Weird, huh?

The Future Was Yesterday said...

If you really, really gotta poop - there are no fainted hearted persons in those stalls!:)

There are only two types of human beings. Those who are pooping, and those who are waiting to poop.

Consider it the great equalizer.:) And one heck of a post, too!!