I met this guy. Through mutual friends. He works on a scallop boat. I'll admit it. I really, really liked this guy. He was not only very nice looking, but incredibly talkative....we talked for hours! I thought he liked me, and I was looking forward to getting laid.
Now, that sounds pretty crass, I know. But, I do have needs, sometimes, and this guy really reminded me of just how strong those needs can be. But, alas, as time passed, I became aware of the fact that he didn't really want me like that. He borrowed $70 from me, and EJ got mad at him, and ran him off.
EJ later told me he spent most of his money on cocaine. I said I wish I had known that from the git-go. Before I gave him $70 which I was sure he was going give back to me. But, I learned a great deal from this whole experience.
I learned that I am not 30 or even 40 years old anymore. I am in my mid-fifties, and I look like I'm in my mid-fifties. The time when a man looks at me with desire is coming quickly to an end. And that knowledge, not so much the guy himself, really hurt me. Actually it hit me in the face like a ton of bricks.
Ok, I can say he was a jerk, but that's really not fair, because I let myself be used. I take responsibility for that. I am too trusting, or too hopeful, or maybe I don't want to admit I'm wrong about certain people. But, then again, I don't want to be distrustful of everyone I meet. Yes, some people will use me, but then I will get a real opportunity to help someone who actually needs it. Maybe that cancels out all the rest.
I guess the biggest thing I realized is just how much I miss having a special someone to share things with, the good, the bad, the ugly, the fun, and those wonderful moments that happen between a man and woman who really care for one another. This could also apply to a man and a man who care about each other, or a woman and woman who care about each other, its all the same. We all want someone to care about us, and for us to care for.
Deep inside I know I may spend the rest of my life alone. I can do that. And I can be happy doing that. But it sure would be nice to have someone to laugh with, wouldn't it?