Amber is awake now and talking. Her visitors are still restricted to the immediate family, so, not being an actual blood relative, EJ and I are relying on her brother and grandfather to keep us updated. But don't stop praying. She has a long way to go.

The scallop boat man is back. He calls me "Miss Debi". Is that pathetic or what? Someone get me an apron, I guess its time for me to bake cookies.

Roger is finally home from the hospital, and its so nice to have him back. It was like old times yesterday, having him come over and hang out.

Tomorrow will be four years since Travis was wounded in Hit, Iraq. I think about what it must have been like for him, and a little part of me seems to die inside. My brave young son. And yes, though many seem to think it would be better otherwise, he was my son. My son. And no one, no matter what they say or think of me, can take that away.

This comment was left when I was bitching about John McCain having a bracelet with Travis' name on it on his desk. I said that many people loved Travis, not just me, and I acknowledged that. I said I wanted that bracelet. Just like any parent who has lost a child, anything that represents that child is precious, and you are greedy about it, you want it, its hard to share. But somehow this comment hurt me so much. It bothered me for days. Perhaps its because it came from someone who loved Travis, and he loved as well.

There are many of them. I respect you mam, but to say "That one" is yours is not really fair either. Why? because Senator McCain has it? I would be honored by such a gesture, no matter how he got it. You can have one made, I don't know the link off hand but if I find it I will surely send it to you. I just get a lil frusrated with people that say things because that is what you want to hear...not just you, I mean anybody. You know who this is, the same man that named his son after yours...I love and miss him to DY. I hope you know I say all this out of respect, sometimes it's good to hear other opinions.

Would this hurt you? Anybody? Am I over-reacting? It still hurts to read it. A lot. I why the "DY"? What's wrong with Mrs. Youngblood, or just plain old Debi? Somebody help me out here...

Amber

If you believe in a higher power I ask you to pray for my little adopted granddaughter. She was in car wreck, and is at MCV, where she is reportedly in a coma after suffering a brain injury. She has been through so much in her short life, and she is a beautiful young woman, just beginning her life.

EJ met Liz in 1997, and they became a couple. EJ became the father to 15 month old Amber, and she became the light in his eyes. Liz, god love her, was not the easiest person to live with, but they stayed together, and EJ helped her raise two more children. For ten years they made a life together, until Travis died. EJ moved out, but for whatever reasons, they were always in close contact with each other, by phone, or visits. EJ had wanted to marry her, but Liz refused. Liz wanted the world, wanted so many things for herself and her children. Ultimately, she lost custody of her two daughters, and on January 2, 2007 she died of an overdose.

EJ was devasted, and blamed himself for a long time. He felt he had lost everything, and still does to some degree. He is trying desperately to rebuild his life, but now, he is terrified that Amber will not recover. She means as much to him as Travis meant to me. She is his daughter, whether he is her real father or not.

I love Amber as I would my granddaughter, and the last time I saw her, we hung out, watched a movie together and talked about many things. She is mature for her age, but I guess that is natural, as she has been through so many changes.

Please pray for this child. And pray for my son, that God should grant him strength to face whatever he must face.

A new friend, or a new fiend???

I met this guy. Through mutual friends. He works on a scallop boat. I'll admit it. I really, really liked this guy. He was not only very nice looking, but incredibly talkative....we talked for hours! I thought he liked me, and I was looking forward to getting laid.

Now, that sounds pretty crass, I know. But, I do have needs, sometimes, and this guy really reminded me of just how strong those needs can be. But, alas, as time passed, I became aware of the fact that he didn't really want me like that. He borrowed $70 from me, and EJ got mad at him, and ran him off.

EJ later told me he spent most of his money on cocaine. I said I wish I had known that from the git-go. Before I gave him $70 which I was sure he was going give back to me. But, I learned a great deal from this whole experience.

I learned that I am not 30 or even 40 years old anymore. I am in my mid-fifties, and I look like I'm in my mid-fifties. The time when a man looks at me with desire is coming quickly to an end. And that knowledge, not so much the guy himself, really hurt me. Actually it hit me in the face like a ton of bricks.

Ok, I can say he was a jerk, but that's really not fair, because I let myself be used. I take responsibility for that. I am too trusting, or too hopeful, or maybe I don't want to admit I'm wrong about certain people. But, then again, I don't want to be distrustful of everyone I meet. Yes, some people will use me, but then I will get a real opportunity to help someone who actually needs it. Maybe that cancels out all the rest.

I guess the biggest thing I realized is just how much I miss having a special someone to share things with, the good, the bad, the ugly, the fun, and those wonderful moments that happen between a man and woman who really care for one another. This could also apply to a man and a man who care about each other, or a woman and woman who care about each other, its all the same. We all want someone to care about us, and for us to care for.

Deep inside I know I may spend the rest of my life alone. I can do that. And I can be happy doing that. But it sure would be nice to have someone to laugh with, wouldn't it?