Jun 18, 2009

"Your horoscope for June 18, 2009

Today you could be feeling especially adventurous, Debra, and you might be tempted to take part in risky pastimes such as deep-sea diving, river rafting or hiking in the wilderness. This is not a good day to do this! If you want, plan such a trip for the near future, but today it might be best to sublimate your adventurous nature by reading thrillers, watching James Bond movies, or by exploring places close to home where you've never been before."*

Damn! Why did I read this?? If I hadn't read this I would probably be in an inner tube right now fighting the mighty rapids of the James River.....well, some other river. Or I could be about to wrestle with a great white shark! Oh, well, I guess I better check my social calender again! Does this mean, I wonder, if I have to turn down that invite to dinner with the Obamas as well!? I am never reading my horoscope again. Well, not today anyway. It's just too tempting, isn't it?

I don't think I really believe everything my horroscope says. I mean its just an across the board reading, isn't it? But it is kind of hard to resist thinking that maybe there is a reason why my life seems so fucked up, and damn it all, if it ain't written in the stars! It wasn't anything I did, or didn't do, it was freaking Jupiter and Saturn that did it... We can all take some measure of comfort in that I guess. "Yeah, see, it wasn't because you was drinking that the cop stopped you...Looky here, see how Nepturne and Saturn are all screwed around up there?" "Nepturne! Damn, you're good at this! I didn't know there was a Nepturne!"

I actually took a test the other day to see if I had psychic abilities. Turns out I'm about as psychic as a bag of rocks. I do have a little precognition, like when I come up to a green light and automatically stop. See, I know that its about to turn red. Unfortunately, not all the other drivers behind me have this ability, so sometimes they become frustrated and begin tooting there horns and yelling out their windows: "What the fuck, are you stupid? Move your ass! You stupid shit, what is your problem!!" But, I just smile, because I know I have this ability.

It said I have a sixth sense about some people. I know that when someone doesn't bath or use deodorant for a few days, I don't want to be around them for any length of time. Or when they are obviously foaming at the mouth and trying to stuff their shoe laces up their ass, its probably good that I take my leave. Its like I know that certain people I have met before are only stopping by to see me so they can borrow the phone, cigarrettes, a beer, money, or anything else I might have. Its that sixth sense working again. Oh, they usually say, "Hey girl, you are looking fine today! Have you lost weight? I've missed you so much, give me a hug....hey, since I'm here, could I borrow....." You can fill in the blanks.

You probably have a little of it too. I bet if you read my mind, just concentrate a little, you can probably figure out what I'm thinking....go ahead, give it shot!



SJ said...

Har har that was really funny!

And lady is your mind dirty or what!

just me said...

See, SJ, you have a little psychic ability can tell I'm a dirty old lady!! Wow!