Jun 11, 2007

Things I Have Said to My Children At Various Times

Put that down. That's not a toy. You might poke your eye out with that thing.

Don't squirt me with the water hose. I mean it now. I ain't playin. This isn't funny guys, come on. Be nice to your dear old mom. Please.....

Can't you find something to do? Isn't there something you can find to do in your room, or do you want me to find something for you?

So if Mark says its ok, then that makes it ok? Well, I guess if he said it was ok for him to jump off of the roof, that would be ok, too? Are you crazy??

No, I will not buy you a Big Johnson T-shirt to wear to school. I don't care if the principal wears one to church, you will not!

Ok, if you all you boys don't stop fighting, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna call the police. Yes I will.

Ok, who flushed the apple down the toilet?

Why am I so mean? Why its my ultimate goal in life to make your life as miserable as possible. I thought you knew that.

When you grow up I hope you have 6 kids, and they are all boys!!

No, you can not buy Playboy's at Will Kitchen's Food Mart. You're eight years old. You are too young. Put your sock money away. I know, its not fair.

And you guys gave all your sock money to Jennifer to keep, knowing she was going back to Georgia today, because...?

What's a condom? Well, let's wait till your dad gets home, and ask him.

The big boys called you all faggots and chased you out of the park? What? What's a faggot? Let's wait till your dad gets home and ask him..

No, EJ, did not get struck by lightening, Travis. I swear he didn't. I know. I was there!

You shot your brother in the hand trying to shoot a bb down the water hose? Travis! Travis! it didn't break the skin, honey! You're ok! You're not bleeding!

Ok, tell me the truth, you really didn't have anything to do with breaking the basement windows in the Methodist church, did you? No, I won't get mad. I promise. Well, I might get upset.

I guess you could say that Mary and Rudolph are making doggie love...quit laughing...ok, if you're going to laugh go in the house, wait, I'm coming with you.

Ok, which one of you knotheads called 911, and don't say Jonathon because his knothead was in the refrigerator...

Travis, come out from under the bed and at least say hello to this little girl out here who came over to see you..

If you can live in this mess you call a room, then that's ok with me. If something starts creeping around in here, don't come running to me. And no, I don't mean Travis...

EJ, you mean the cat really crapped in your bed, and you climbed in and didn't know it? I'm not laughing...I'm not...

Hey, you guys come here, your Daddy's chasing the dogs around the garden with his sling shot. Yeah, I know, they think he's crazy, too.

What do you mean you and BW were chasing Mr. Bracey's hogs? Is that what that smell is? Are you crazy?

So, tell me again, real did Richard's four-wheeler catch on fire? And who threw the water on it? And you didn't come and tell us because...? Oh, that's what you're doing now. ARE YOU CRAZY!!!

Ok, you were walking down the hall and someone pushed you into the fire alarm and it accidentally went off. What's it got, like a hair-trigger?

Ej, Travis, come here a minute. Yeah, now. Your Daddy poured himself a shot of that bourbon that's been sitting on the fridge for about 3 months now, and you know what? He said it tasted a lot like water. Yeah, you do know something about it. Is the word stupid tattoed on my forhead? You see me laughing?

Travis? Slow down, let me get this've had two wine coolers, and you don't think you should drive, so you're going to stay at Ryan's....ok, I appreciate your honesty. Don't drive.

Just because that little girl has cockroaches in her bookbag doesn't mean she has cooties. Does she sit close to you? No, I was just curious, that's all.

My God, Travis, there are things crawling around on your head. I think its lice! Does the word shampoo ring a bell?

Ok, guys, it says you have to apply this stuff to all of the hair on your body...ok, ok...God, I'm leaving already, I was just trying to help...I used to change your diapers you know!!

Come here, I said come here, come here right now, right now this very minute, don't make me come over there, I said come here, don't make me chase you, I'll win, my legs are longer, ok, ok, one last chance come here NOW! damn, Honey go get that boy....


Anonymous said...

I have tears of laughter running down my face. I think every mother in the world has used at least one if not all of those lines. Thank you. You made my day.

Mary said...

That was special. I could see it all in my head. Reminds of that song Bobbie Gentry used to sing. Family Reunion I think it was called.

Anne said...

That was so fun! Lol (but trying not to) at the cat poop. I think I'm going to steal your idea for a post. :)

Scott from Oregon said...

That's why boys are neat.

just me said...

When EJ came down the stairs carrying his bed sheets, looking mad as hornet, and told me and Travis what happened, we tried not to laugh, for about two seconds, then we fell all over ourselves. God, it was so funny.

Yes, Scott, that is why boys are neat and crazy!!

Gardener Greg said...

OMG I have said almost all those things and had them said to me. That was so funny.

dawn said...

You forgot about the money tree. I loved these

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Hahahahahhaaaaa!! Oh, you tell it straight, and so true, girl! The neighbours around here don't just think, they know I'm demented! Glad to know I'm not the only one - and I'm taking this post and running with it (full credits to you, of course), I feel inspired..

Best, funniest, and most true post I've read - I just love you!

(Now multiply your early brood by two, and throw an autistic son into the mix.. the tales I can tell.)

Cuckoo said...

Ha Ha Ha Ha....
Came here from Carol's blog and it was worth coming, I must say.

You must have seen me here & there.. somewhere. ;)

Anonymous said...

I came here from Carol's blog also. Laughing my head off. (I'm not a Mom)