Yeah, I know, I haven't been around much lately. No reason. Perhaps I am just perpetually lazy. I took my tree down already, and put all of the Christmas decorations back in the shed. I got to thinking, which is always a bad idea, and decided I wanted to ring in the New Year with nothing left, decoration wise, of the old year. Just another weird superstition, I suppose. What can I say? I'm a superstitious gal...

So, hopefully I will be around more in the New Year. Wishing you all the very best in the coming new year.

Ghost of Christmas Past

This year, more than any other, I am haunted by the memories of Christmas past. I don't know what it is about this year. We have not done any Christmas shopping, and like the Cratchets, are content to settle for a nice Christmas dinner. So many people I know this year are feeling the same it seems. They come to my house and see my few decorations, and complain about how they want to forget it is Christmas.

I can't forget. For me, growing up in rural West Virginia, Christmas was the time of magic. Just seeing the tree alive with lights, and singing carols to myself at night, laying in bed, filled me with promise and great, great anticipation. Not so much for gifts, though of course I did want them, but just a feeling that something wonderful would happen.

One year it began snowing on Christmas Eve, and the beauty of that snowfall was like a gift. Everything in my world was transformed into a fairyland, it seemed. Though I had no socks for my shoes, I stayed outside as long as I could to be in the snow and relish the peace and silence. All things seemed possible. Of course my feet burned like hell when I came inside, but it was the price I paid. I will always treasure that perfect stillness of a snowfall on Christmas Eve in the hills where I grew up.

My sister was a big part of my childhood Christmas memories. We always managed to put on our own version of the Christmas story, even if our only audience was my mother, and it was glorious. One year our ancient Christmas angel that adorned the top of our tree lost all of her "angel hair", so we glued yarn to the top of her head, and there she reigned, on the top of our tree, with her Christmas "dreadlocks!" But it was good.

This Christmas we are haunted by so many who have gone on before us. There are still little electrical glitches going on in our house-hold, little things, and my dreams are full of those I have loved and lost. But they are good dreams, happy dreams, so I am comforted. And somehow, we will make it through this Christmas, and it will be good, we will enjoy ourselves.

May you all have a joyous and blessed Christmas. They are with you, those you have lost. In spirit and love, I believe they will be with us all.

The tree is up!

Yes, the old tree is finally up. We haven't put our outside lights up yet. The man across the street decorated his lawn chairs with lights...oh, life in a trailer park...tis grand! Actually, the lights on the chairs look ok. I mean, whatever makes your Christmas brighter! Nobody I know has much money for Christmas this year. And a lot of people I don't know are in the same boat. At least we can celebrate the season. (I'm really, really trying hard here to get in the spirit!)

The other day, I left the house after putting up the tree, and distinctly remember turning off the tree lights before I left. This harks back to the days when I was but a wee thing, and the bulbs on our tree got hot as a fire poker after being on for a while. "Don't forget to turn off the damn lights on the tree, damn it!" was my mother's mantra at this time of year. She was afraid the tree, then the house would burst into flames. We always had a live tree, well, it was live when we chopped it down.

Anyway, I digress. I turned off the lights, and when I came home, alone, I was rummaging around in the kitchen when I noticed that the tree lights were on. I stood there a minute, knowing full well that I had turned them off. I even entertained the idea that perhaps the cats, who are fascinated by the tree, by the way, may have turned them back on. They never cease to surprise me.

But, I really thought of Travis. Weird, huh? This being the same son who once poured ketchup all over his hand and came running to me that he had cut himself. After I recovered from my mild heart attack, he laughed like a banshee. He loved his pranks. And this would have been right up his alley....freak Mama out with the tree lights.

Ah, what fancies we have this time of year.

I went to the doctor today.  First I ran down to check on a neighbor to make sure she was all right, then stopped to feed the Catlady's cats, as she is in a nursing home right now.  (More about the Catlady in another post.)  I waited for my ride to come and pick me up, and was lucky this time, as the driver was a really nice guy.  As I have no car now, I can get transportation through Medicaid.  This helps me enormously.  I really miss my car.  The next time I get a car I will treasure it immensely.

Things were good with the doctor, but coming home, I shared my cab ride with a lady who seemed to have a great many problems.  As it turns out, her daughter was taken from her when she was 15 and put up for adoption.  She asked about my children, and I told them about EJ and Travis.  The driver, an older man, told how he  had lost two sons, so he really understood so much about how I feel.

This evening we watched Stepbrothers with Will Ferrell.  It was hilarious, and quite touching at times.  I enjoyed it. I kept thinking Travis would have liked it.  

I have been looking for all my Christmas movies to get me in the mood for the holidays.  This weekend we will probably decorate the house and put up our tree.  I remember my father's last Christmas.  I believe he knew it was going to be his last, as we kept the tree up for two or three weeks after Christmas.  It was very sad, yet somehow beautiful.

So many to miss this holiday season.  Perhaps its best to celebrate the time we have with each other while we still can.  This I will try to do.