Now, that sounds pretty crass, I know. But, I do have needs, sometimes, and this guy really reminded me of just how strong those needs can be. But, alas, as time passed, I became aware of the fact that he didn't really want me like that. He borrowed $70 from me, and EJ got mad at him, and ran him off.
EJ later told me he spent most of his money on cocaine. I said I wish I had known that from the git-go. Before I gave him $70 which I was sure he was going give back to me. But, I learned a great deal from this whole experience.
I learned that I am not 30 or even 40 years old anymore. I am in my mid-fifties, and I look like I'm in my mid-fifties. The time when a man looks at me with desire is coming quickly to an end. And that knowledge, not so much the guy himself, really hurt me. Actually it hit me in the face like a ton of bricks.
Ok, I can say he was a jerk, but that's really not fair, because I let myself be used. I take responsibility for that. I am too trusting, or too hopeful, or maybe I don't want to admit I'm wrong about certain people. But, then again, I don't want to be distrustful of everyone I meet. Yes, some people will use me, but then I will get a real opportunity to help someone who actually needs it. Maybe that cancels out all the rest.
I guess the biggest thing I realized is just how much I miss having a special someone to share things with, the good, the bad, the ugly, the fun, and those wonderful moments that happen between a man and woman who really care for one another. This could also apply to a man and a man who care about each other, or a woman and woman who care about each other, its all the same. We all want someone to care about us, and for us to care for.
Deep inside I know I may spend the rest of my life alone. I can do that. And I can be happy doing that. But it sure would be nice to have someone to laugh with, wouldn't it?
4 comments:
Or someone to laugh at ;)
I think someday you will find the perfect someone because you are one of the greatest people I know. It is his loss. Don't become distrustful of everyone its not you.
I'll yank the guys balls out if you want me to. I am an Italian and I am from Chicago. Some cement shoes maybe?
Maybe there is no special one person right now. Never give up hope, and don't ever think that you are not beautiful. The shallow man looks at your figure and age and judges you, the real man sees the beauty within and never cares what you look like.
I know, I have someone. I am very lucky that she kept me through the hard times, (I never beat her or the kids, ever!). For those of you that feel alone, I send out the best and most honest possible positive energy for you. Just don't give up hope. You are worthy of nothing less then someone that will keep you from being alone.
Peace my friend.
SJ, I wouldn't mind having that as well. God knows enough people laugh at me!!
Joe, Bless you and I am so happy for you and your special lady. I always thought that me and my ex-husband would grow old together, but it was not to be. I know, hook me up with one of your Italian friends who is single....looks are not important, money is not important, disabilities are not important, have a good sense of humor is!!
Dawn, you got me pegged girl. I think perhaps I am a little too trusting at times....I think you are a great person. I don't know how you do all the things you do. bless you and yours.
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