Amber is awake now and talking. Her visitors are still restricted to the immediate family, so, not being an actual blood relative, EJ and I are relying on her brother and grandfather to keep us updated. But don't stop praying. She has a long way to go.

The scallop boat man is back. He calls me "Miss Debi". Is that pathetic or what? Someone get me an apron, I guess its time for me to bake cookies.

Roger is finally home from the hospital, and its so nice to have him back. It was like old times yesterday, having him come over and hang out.

Tomorrow will be four years since Travis was wounded in Hit, Iraq. I think about what it must have been like for him, and a little part of me seems to die inside. My brave young son. And yes, though many seem to think it would be better otherwise, he was my son. My son. And no one, no matter what they say or think of me, can take that away.

This comment was left when I was bitching about John McCain having a bracelet with Travis' name on it on his desk. I said that many people loved Travis, not just me, and I acknowledged that. I said I wanted that bracelet. Just like any parent who has lost a child, anything that represents that child is precious, and you are greedy about it, you want it, its hard to share. But somehow this comment hurt me so much. It bothered me for days. Perhaps its because it came from someone who loved Travis, and he loved as well.

There are many of them. I respect you mam, but to say "That one" is yours is not really fair either. Why? because Senator McCain has it? I would be honored by such a gesture, no matter how he got it. You can have one made, I don't know the link off hand but if I find it I will surely send it to you. I just get a lil frusrated with people that say things because that is what you want to hear...not just you, I mean anybody. You know who this is, the same man that named his son after yours...I love and miss him to DY. I hope you know I say all this out of respect, sometimes it's good to hear other opinions.

Would this hurt you? Anybody? Am I over-reacting? It still hurts to read it. A lot. I why the "DY"? What's wrong with Mrs. Youngblood, or just plain old Debi? Somebody help me out here...

Just searching...

I found this while searching for pictures of Travis. It just occured to me today that I might find other pictures of Travis by running a search on Google. And when I did I discovered that as of Monday, July 21, 2008, John McCain had my son's bracelet, that he wore while on tour in Iraq, on his desk. So, where is it now? How did he get it? I pretty much know that, but it is out of my control.

Its so strange. I gave birth to Travis, and worried and fretted and loved him. I watched him grow from a baby to a young man, and upon his death, I feel I am forgotten. I feel shut out of his life. And its wrong somehow. (Would you like a little cheese with that whine??) I imagine that is what it sounds like, and perhaps it is. Another all purpose whine.

I wasn't the best Mom in the world. I made many mistakes. But the one thing I wanted my boys to know always was how proud I was of them, and how much I loved them. And that is not enough it seems, to even receive a nod from someone that hey, you were his mother. I know that this really doesn't matter, that just having Travis as a son was one of the things that I was most proud of and still am. But, for some reason, this hurts me so much.

And I have to wonder, why John McCain has Travis' bracelet? I can't figure it out. I just can't. I want that bracelet, I want every little memento I can find that I can treasure. And I'm selfish. And I know. And I really don't care.

God get me through this as you have so many other things. Let me remember the joy that was Travis, and not the tragedy of his death. Let me not be haunted by the knowledge that he died alone, without family, in a strange land. I know you were with him, as you are now. God grant us all peace, Lord, as I pray in the name of the Son, our saviour, Amen.

The tree is up!

Yes, the old tree is finally up. We haven't put our outside lights up yet. The man across the street decorated his lawn chairs with lights...oh, life in a trailer park...tis grand! Actually, the lights on the chairs look ok. I mean, whatever makes your Christmas brighter! Nobody I know has much money for Christmas this year. And a lot of people I don't know are in the same boat. At least we can celebrate the season. (I'm really, really trying hard here to get in the spirit!)

The other day, I left the house after putting up the tree, and distinctly remember turning off the tree lights before I left. This harks back to the days when I was but a wee thing, and the bulbs on our tree got hot as a fire poker after being on for a while. "Don't forget to turn off the damn lights on the tree, damn it!" was my mother's mantra at this time of year. She was afraid the tree, then the house would burst into flames. We always had a live tree, well, it was live when we chopped it down.

Anyway, I digress. I turned off the lights, and when I came home, alone, I was rummaging around in the kitchen when I noticed that the tree lights were on. I stood there a minute, knowing full well that I had turned them off. I even entertained the idea that perhaps the cats, who are fascinated by the tree, by the way, may have turned them back on. They never cease to surprise me.

But, I really thought of Travis. Weird, huh? This being the same son who once poured ketchup all over his hand and came running to me that he had cut himself. After I recovered from my mild heart attack, he laughed like a banshee. He loved his pranks. And this would have been right up his alley....freak Mama out with the tree lights.

Ah, what fancies we have this time of year.

Monday is Shrink day......

I see my psychiatrist today. Let's call a spade a spade, shall we? Anyway, I plan to talk about my medication big time. I miss that feeling of writing whatever is in my mind at the moment. Right now, there seems to be nothing in my mind but what is on for today, which is not much.

Got a call out of the blue from Jonathon's grandmother. You may remember Jonathon as the young man who lost his life not quite a year after Travis left us. He Travis and EJ grew up together. We used to be the greatest of friends, did everything together, Joann and I, and we had a fight over kids. Imagine that! Anyway, now we are friends again. She called to tell me that a story appeared in the paper out in Washington, or California, I forget where she is now, that featured Travis' widow and children. Never lets a photo-op pass her by, now does she? Ok, that was mean. Very mean. Extremely mean. And, boy did it feel good.

My daughter in law has reminded me, that as the next of kin, she owns the rights to Travis' image. Let her use it wisely.


The psychotic bird is back, banging its head against the window. Thump, thump, thump, it is driving the cats to distraction. I still believe he sees his reflection and is trying to thwart off competition. I must get a new camera. Its a cedar waxwing. Let's hope his courtship goes off without a hitch. HA! Providing he doesn't knock himself out first.